Let's have some fun conversation, mods don't delete it please!
----
just though I'd share something very ironic that happened to me the other day.
I got this Ryan Giggs poster(free with my copy of Manutd mag) and on that poster it said, 'Giggs will tear you apart' ironicly the poster tore yesterday :p

Anyone got some jokes?

Trust you to come up with a topic like this Philler! :rolleyes: :D :D :rolleyes:

i quite like this one personally.... (a copy/paste job - cant be arsed to type it :D)

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"
"Huey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"
"Duey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"
The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

Why am I knon for posting silly things? :rolleyes:

i dont know, its outrageous isnt it? :D

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

:D

Originally posted by PhiLLer:
<STRONG>A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

:D</STRONG>


hahahah LOL :D :p

Originally posted by PhiLLer:
<STRONG>A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

:D</STRONG>

Now Iknow why you posted this topic. I've heard that somewhere before!

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :D :D :rolleyes: :D

Hmmm ya reckon?

From the Simpsons:
Bart: But here hair smells like red froot loops.

Lisa: *Close Up serious* I eat Froot Loops for breakfast!

-----------------
Principle Skinner: There is no Scotstober Fest
Groundskeeper Willy: What?! Ya used me Skinner! Ya usseeeed me!!!!

------------------

Well maybe you have to see it yourself
(When Bart has a "girlfriend" Jessica Lovejoy

Skinner: We've even got Willy teaching French!

Willy: Bonjourrrrrrrrrrrr, ya cheese-eating Surrender-monkeys!

from Desperado I think:

A guy to a bar-keeper: I bet about 500$ that I can piss from here into this glass over there and no drop will miss.
Bar-Keeper: OK, that's a deal!
The guy starts to piss but no drop is in the glass. He pisses over the bar, in the beer and even on the bar-keeper who smiles because of his won bet. The guy gave him the 500$ and smiles, too. So the bar-keeper asks him why he's so happy
Answer: Do you see these men on the other end of the bar? I've betted with them about 1000$ that I would piss over your bar, your furniture and over you but you would not be angry, no you would be happy :D :D :D

[ 06-16-2001: Message edited by: Antman ]

(willy to reverend Lovejoy) Give me that, you noodle-armed choir-boy!

Marge: I wanna quit my job here at the police
Wiggum: Hahahahaaahahahahahahahahahahhhaaaahahah! Hahahahahahaaaahahahaha!
Hmm, that's a pity, we are losing a good collaborate!

you'll all be pleased to know that my voice sounds a wee bit like groundskeeper willy's but any scottish erson sounds like him

I think the Jessica Lovejoy episode is the most overall funny episode. Especially one that I can only try to put in words:
(Bart walks to church and thinks it is Jessica Lovejoy singing in a high pitched woman voice)
Bart: Her song of the Sirens brings me in
Lisa: Bart, No!
(Then he walks in and it shows Flanders is the one singing in the womanly voice. lol)
Bart: *Shudders* That's just disturbing

LOL :D

Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.
.............................................
A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.
He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"
...............................................
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
.............................................

Women ! Who can figure 'em out ? Now that the kids are grown and gone,my wife sez she needs more "outside interests". I thought I'd surprise her and presented her with a brand new fancy lawn mower, just the other day .. Now my balls are hurting.
............................................
Oh well, thats life ... Ned

LOL... philler has light up the forum again... ;) :p

LOL :D
*************************
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
**************************
One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
************************************
A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"
bar tender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"
bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bar tender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"
********************
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.

Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Butler in Trouble

There was a butler who worked for a wealthy couple. The husband was old, and the wife young and beautiful. One night the couple went out to dinner, and the butler stayed at their house.
The young wife returned home earlier than the husband, and she called the butler, Sam, into her room. She told him:
"Sam, I want you to take my shoes off." Sam took her shoes off.
"Sam, now I want you to take my stockings off." Sam took her stockings off.
"Now, Sam, take off my dress, my bra, and my panties. And Sam, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again..."
**********************************
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.The bartender finally said that the bar is closing.

So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, So, you've been out drinking again!!"

“What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again."
**********************************
The phone rings at KGB headquaters. They answer, ''Hello?''
''Hello, Is that the KGB?''
''Yes. What do you want?'
''I'm calling to report my neighbour, Y.Rabinotov, as an enemy of the state. He is hiding diamonds in his firewood.''
''This will be noted.''
Next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinotov's house.They search the shed where the firewood is kept,break every piece of wood,find no diamonds,swear at Rabinotov and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinotov's house. He answers,''Hello.''
''Hello Rabinotov! Did the KGB come? Did they chop your firewood?'
''Yes they did.''
''O.K., now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.'
******************************
(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''
********************************
A guy is in a bar when he hears a guy a few seats down saying, "Lawyers are assholes."

"Excuse me. What did you say?"

"I said lawyers are assholes."

"I'm sorry, but that really bothers me. I'm really offended."

"Why, are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."
*******************************
:D :D :D