Canoe
22-03-2000, 07:35:PM
First and foremost, a disclaimer. Please don't read this if you are offended by humour.
Football Viruses
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The White virus family, although they like to bill themselves as harmful, they really are nothing to worry about:
The Ian Walker virus: You just can't save anything...
The Ian Walker virus v.2: Your PC will let you save once, but then the computer falls off of the desk and onto your foot...
The Ian Walker virus v.2.2: A particularly ugly virus which when combined with the Sol Campbell virus, your PC fails to pick up any Italian mail...
The Sol Campbell virus: Makes your computer think it's better than it actually is...
The David Ginola virus: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is ok...
The George Graham virus: Falsely claims to have done nothing but then you realise half of you data has gone - It then transfers itself to your worst enemies PC, then trashes it...
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The Black and Red virus family (Mainly from the South of England) Not particularly harmful but very, very annoying:
The Manchester United virus: Your PC develops a disorder whereby the memory forgets everything before 1993...
The Man U virus v.2: Sends all your data to Surrey...
The Man U virus v.3: Reclaims data from Surrey, relocates to Devon, then makes you pay to enter the system...
The Man United shirt virus: This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its identity every 3 months...
The Schmiechel virus: Your PC develops a hideous, large red dot in the middle of the screen, your monitor sprouts unsightly orange wires and then starts loudly racially abusing you...
The Beckham virus: The lights on your PC are all on but nothing works...
The Roy Keane virus: Throws you out of Windows...
The Alex Ferguson virus: Continuous whining until your PC explodes leaving you with nothing...
The Sheringham virus: Jumps from one computer to the other, ensuring all award winning programs fail...
The Dwight Yorke virus: Everything in your computer goes goofy...
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The Blue and White virus family (Mainly from Italy) look like they may cause you problems for 6 months, but then fade away:
The Chelsea virus: Everything you print comes out in Italian and then you end up with f*ck all...
The Graham Rix virus: Goes down for 6 months at a time but is always backed up...
The Dennis Wise virus: Gives up after two bytes...
The Gustavo Poyet virus: Your PC repeats this loop, it works brilliantly for 45 minutes, then breaks down for three months...
The Graham Le Saux virus: Picks up any passing mail...
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Various:
The Stan Collymore virus: Luckily this one doesn't actually work, but sometimes boots up some Swedish computers...
The Glenn Hoddle virus: Disables your PC, blames it all on its previous life as a calculator, and then takes the piss out of it...
The Ron Atkinson virus: Remains dormant for 6 months but then your computer goes down anyway...
The Gazza virus: Just as you think everything is ok, it all goes pear shaped...
The Jason Lee virus: same as the Gazza virus, but it all goes pineapple shaped...mmm...!
The Rio Ferdinand virus: All drive privileges lost...
The Brian Kidd virus: Your 100MB hard drive suddenly expands to 350 MB and then goes down...
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Football Viruses
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The White virus family, although they like to bill themselves as harmful, they really are nothing to worry about:
The Ian Walker virus: You just can't save anything...
The Ian Walker virus v.2: Your PC will let you save once, but then the computer falls off of the desk and onto your foot...
The Ian Walker virus v.2.2: A particularly ugly virus which when combined with the Sol Campbell virus, your PC fails to pick up any Italian mail...
The Sol Campbell virus: Makes your computer think it's better than it actually is...
The David Ginola virus: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is ok...
The George Graham virus: Falsely claims to have done nothing but then you realise half of you data has gone - It then transfers itself to your worst enemies PC, then trashes it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Black and Red virus family (Mainly from the South of England) Not particularly harmful but very, very annoying:
The Manchester United virus: Your PC develops a disorder whereby the memory forgets everything before 1993...
The Man U virus v.2: Sends all your data to Surrey...
The Man U virus v.3: Reclaims data from Surrey, relocates to Devon, then makes you pay to enter the system...
The Man United shirt virus: This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its identity every 3 months...
The Schmiechel virus: Your PC develops a hideous, large red dot in the middle of the screen, your monitor sprouts unsightly orange wires and then starts loudly racially abusing you...
The Beckham virus: The lights on your PC are all on but nothing works...
The Roy Keane virus: Throws you out of Windows...
The Alex Ferguson virus: Continuous whining until your PC explodes leaving you with nothing...
The Sheringham virus: Jumps from one computer to the other, ensuring all award winning programs fail...
The Dwight Yorke virus: Everything in your computer goes goofy...
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The Blue and White virus family (Mainly from Italy) look like they may cause you problems for 6 months, but then fade away:
The Chelsea virus: Everything you print comes out in Italian and then you end up with f*ck all...
The Graham Rix virus: Goes down for 6 months at a time but is always backed up...
The Dennis Wise virus: Gives up after two bytes...
The Gustavo Poyet virus: Your PC repeats this loop, it works brilliantly for 45 minutes, then breaks down for three months...
The Graham Le Saux virus: Picks up any passing mail...
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Various:
The Stan Collymore virus: Luckily this one doesn't actually work, but sometimes boots up some Swedish computers...
The Glenn Hoddle virus: Disables your PC, blames it all on its previous life as a calculator, and then takes the piss out of it...
The Ron Atkinson virus: Remains dormant for 6 months but then your computer goes down anyway...
The Gazza virus: Just as you think everything is ok, it all goes pear shaped...
The Jason Lee virus: same as the Gazza virus, but it all goes pineapple shaped...mmm...!
The Rio Ferdinand virus: All drive privileges lost...
The Brian Kidd virus: Your 100MB hard drive suddenly expands to 350 MB and then goes down...
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