Don't you all think that we should have a football jokes section or any jokes related to football or just some funny jokes?
It would keep the football forum alive don't u think???
Well if u got any funny jokes just post em here http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/smile.gif http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/smile.gif http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/smile.gif
Hope that it will make the forum very funny and keep our thoughts away from footy for just a second http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/wink.gif

Cheers phil

Alright alright I'll start it of with some jokes ok http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/smile.gif
this one here is not a football joke:

A man walks into a pubm and orders a (pint)glass of beer.Then suddenly he really needs to go to the toilet but his glass is still half full and hes scared someone might drink it while he is away.So he writes on a piece of paper:"I spat into this glass of beer" in the hope that noone will drink it and he puts the piece of paper infront of the glass.
He goes to the toilet and when he comes back he sees another piece of paper lying beside his.
On the piece of paper it says:"Me too"

phil

oh BTW
NO RACIST(but u can post jokes about other football teams) JOKES AND DONT MAKE THE JOKES TOO HARD OR FILTHY OTHERWISE THIS TOPIC MIGHT BE DELETED!!

funny quates by commentators fottballers or managers are also more than welcome!

Here's some quotes:

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's my answer."
Benny Lennartsson on Gazza joining Swedsh side Viking on loan.

"Having to apologise to him was like having to take my pants down
in front of him."
Nicolas Anelka on having to apologise to his Real Madrid coach.

"I am relieved, shattered and I can't really explain the way I feel."
A confused Kevin Ratcliffe.

"We're not in your league"
Watford fans at the game against Middlesbrough.

And my favourite one is......

"I could say, if you like, that our manager is not good enough."
Gianluca Vialli.

Haha thats funny
I've got some more funny quotes by football commentators!

"A peep,peep,peep and another peep, and thats it" Barry Davies greets the final whistle of a match

"Tomorrow the whole of newcastle vs manchester united" Ian Payne


"Dumbarton player Stve McGahill limps of the pitch with a badly wounded forehead" Tom Perrie

"Strangely,in slow motion,the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer" David Acfield

Phil

Anyone else here read satirical magazine Private Eye? Hilarious, and features "Colemanballs" - odd things commentators, players and newsreaders have said. Also features footballs satire Comic Strip based on Roy of The Rovers, I'll scan the one they did after the Leeds-Gala match and post it - it's quite hard hitting but very suitable.
Any way, check it out at http://www.private-eye.co.uk . Here are some Colemansballs from Private Eye -

"Simon Brotherton - Well, Blackburn have lost five of their last six, but they did win last week
Chris Kamara - Yes, Simon they'll want to keep this unbeaten run going"

"They've been out a long time; credit them for getting back so quickly." - David Fairclough

"When the ball comes to Overmars' feet it's like a piece of string" - Radio 5

"Commentator - Of course Ruud Guillit is the only foriegner ever to have won the FA Cup
Ron Atkinson - What's Arsene Wenger then?
Commentator - French." - ITV

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...
they had 11 international players out there today" - Steve Lomas

"You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the same time" - Ron Atkinson

"You're not just getting international football, you're getting world football" - Kevin Keegan

"There was a white shirted foot between Giovanni and the goal" - Clive Tyldesley

"We have already beaten the 4-0 and 7-0 this seson, so we knew it would be a tough game"- Barry Ferguson

"We've said it previously, and we've said it before" - Colin Hendry

"Paul Scholes, the most complete mental player I've ever seen" - Radio 5

"The best thing for [Ireland] to do is to stay at nil-nil till they score the goal" - Martin O'Neill

"...the ball went over mine and Colin Calderwood's heads and who should be there at the far post but yours truly - Alan Shearer" - Colin Hendry.

[This message has been edited by Schumacher (edited 05-19-2000).]

Bad defence:> "There was only grass between him and the Goalkeeper"...Anon

Around the time of World Cup 98 it was a new practice in football games to have "ball boys" around the pitch to throw substitute balls in when the current was shot or deflected far. As you might 've noticed, due to this, not rarely two balls would come on the pitch for a few seconds. A greek commentator then tries to be funny in such an incident: "Hehe...hmm..but football is played with two balls, so one of them has to go out!!"

Another guy comments on Ronaldinha (Ronaldo's girlfriend at the time), when she is shown for a few seconds on the screen, and shortly after a shot by Ronaldo on the post: "And here's Ronaldinha, glad at Ronaldo's post..."

And a last one: Olympiakos, Greek champions, is playing in Zagreb against Croatia and it's freezing. During an instant when the ball is out of play the guy takes a sip from his tea, but unfortunately it is heard through the microphone so he goes: "And some tea here ladies and gentlemen to cope with the cold, you understand.."

Greetings,
Immortal

Note: Viking isn't a Swedish team, it's norwegian!!!

ok..

"It looks dark on the kamerun bench"
A translation of what Arne Hegerfors, swedish commentator said when Russia lead with a lot of goals in WC94.

This as u can see can be interpretated in different ways...

See Ya.

Here's another quote by a commentator!
"Germany's Briegel hasn't been able to get past any players yet today,thats his trademark"


"both of the Villa players were born in Liverpool,as was the Villa manager,who was born in Birkinhead" David Coleman

"The pace of the match is really accelerating,by which I mean it's getting faster all the time" (DUH) David Coleman

Here are some funny quotes by players:

"I would really like to play for an italian team,like barcelona"(this is really what he said)Mark Draper


"I couldn't settle in Italy,it was like living in a foreign country" Ian Rush


And here some quotes by managers:

"They had a dozen corners,maybe 12 i'm guessing" Craig Brown (for the ones that don't know 12=a dozen!)

"Playing with wingers is more effective against european sides like brazil that an english side like wales" Ron Greenwood


"When you are 4-0 up you should never loose a match 7-1" Lawrie McMenemy


cheers phil

Heres some anti-dundee scum jokes,

Q. What have a Dundee Goalie and Michael Jackson got in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

-----

Q. How can you tell when Dundee FC are losing?

A. It's five-past-three on a Saturday.

-----

The SFA have had to step in to prevent Dundee's latest sponsorship deal. They had signed a deal with the pet-food firm Spillers, but an SFA spokesman said that.....

Dundee running out with "Winnalot" on their shirts would breach the Trades Descriptions Act.

-----

A Dundee fan and a United fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the United fan says, "So you're a Dundee fan, that's interesting. I'm a United fan... Wow! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The Dundee fan replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!

The United fan continued, "And look at this -here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the Dundee fan.
The Dundee fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the United fan.

The United fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Dundee fan.

The Dundee fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The United fan replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up..."

-----

LOL

I've got one more quote which was said about vialli at the FA cup final by a dutch commentator....
"Vialli a foreign coach,so he;s not british"haha what a clever guy!

phil

me got joke!

want to heear joooke?

Yeah electronic punk you got joke?
you tell me joke

If I had the wings of an eagle,
If I had the @rse of a crow,
I'd fly over Dens Park tomorrow,
And ****e on the B@stards below!

Q: Did you hear about the Labour MP who was found dead in a Dundee strip?

A: The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.

Craig Easton is driving away from Tannadice after training and he sees the local vicar walking along the side of the road and offers him a lift… the vicar accepts and jumps in. 200 yards down the road, Craig sees Gavin Rae wandering down the path, and thinks "right, the little ****, I'll have 'im", and starts to swerve across the road to run him over… He quickly realises that he has a man of the cloth in his car and swerves back the other way… Nervously he says to the vicar, "I have a confession to make, reverend, I nearly run over Gavin Rae back there, just because he plays for Dundee"…
So the vicar replies… "It's Ok, Craig, don't worry my son, I got him with the door…!"

A bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. "£10 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man. "Bugger the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop..... "Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story" "Sod the story, where's the brass Dundee fan?"

Dundee and United were appearing in the Cup Final together. 3 school pals decided to go down to the match together, staying overnight. One was a Dundee supporter, one a United supporter, and the other a Premier League referee.

They decided to stay at a country inn outside Glasgow, but when they arrived there, the innkeeper told them he only had 2 beds free, one of them would have to sleep in the barn.

"That`s OK", said the United supporter, "I`ll sleep in the barn." So off he went.

A few moments later there was a knock at the inn door. The innkeeper opened the door to see the United supporter who explained that he was unable to sleep in the barn as there was a pig in there, and he could not sleep with a pig.

"That`s OK," said the ref., "I`ll sleep there."

So off he went. A few moments later there was a knock at the inn door. The innkeeper opened the door to see the referee there, who explained that he was unable to sleep in the barn as there was a cow in there, and he could not sleep with a cow.

"That`s OK," said the Dundee supporter, "I`ll sleep there." So off he went. A few moments later there was a knock at the inn door. The innkeeper opened the door to see a cow and a pig stood there......


More at http://www.dundeeutd.co.uk/jokes.htm

Peter Reid walks into a Tescos after yet another disapointing finish to his season. Just as he goes inside, he sees a sweet old lady leaving the building. She seems to be carrying more shopping bags than she can handle.

Peter, always being the gentleman, goes up to the old woman and says "Can you manage?".

The old lady looks up at Peter and says "You bloody well got yourself into this mess, and you can get out of it!".

:-)

I like these dundee jokes!! http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/smile.gif
Here ive got a david beckham joke its funny but i don't like coz i support manutd http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/wink.gif http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/wink.gif http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/wink.gif http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/smile.gif

"Cindy Crawford,Brad Pitt and Saddam hussein are all boosting how good they are.Cindy Crawford says"oh I'm the nicest women in the world".then Brad Pitt says"Oh yeah I'm the best looking man in the world".Then Saddam Hussein says"I'm the most evil person the world has ever seen".
So to see if they are wright they decide to go to a foruneteller with a magic mirror who always tells the truth...
so of they go.
Cindy goes in first ,looks into the mirror and asks who is nicest women in the world?
"its you cindy"replies the mirror
next up is Brad Pitt walks in and asks the mirror who is the best looking man in the whole wide world?
"it's you ofcourse Brad"replies the mirror
next is saddam hussein walks in,comes out after a few minutes really angry!
So brad and cindy ask "so who is the most evil person the world has ever seen?"
Saddam says"who the f*** is David Beckham??"

This joke is related to his sending off in the world cup..

cheers
phil

you listen now all!
i have jokeee!

Hiiip, Hooooop! Imagine you Hiiip Hooooop!

What you think joke ? Good Not ?

hey elctronic punk this is a hoke topic not a baby topic.
From now on I will call u Electronic"me can't speak english"Punk ok?!
Anyway lets forget 'bout him and focus on some nice jokes hehe http://www.soccergaming.com/ubb/smile.gif

phil

(This is norwegian)

Hvis du ikke vet at Viking er en norsk klubb, har du alvorlige problemer.

Phil funny!