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Old 18-04-2006, 02:16:PM   #1
Vazza
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Ass hair - Why do we have it?

Found this on another forum and it had me in stitches so I thought I'd share:

DO NOT SHAVE YOUR ASS HAIR!

Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic ****- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!


http://tadpolenet.com/blogs/index.ph..._your_ass_hair

Last edited by Vazza; 18-04-2006 at 02:19:PM.
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Old 18-04-2006, 02:59:PM   #2
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Holy that was good!!!
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Old 18-04-2006, 03:21:PM   #3
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:boohoo: :boohoo: Ow, the poor guy, That was not very smart :boohoo: :boohoo:
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Old 18-04-2006, 03:23:PM   #4
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I remember posting this about 2-3 years ago and for a while after that everyone had a go at me for shaving my ass hair even though I just posted the story. Good luck Varun
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Old 18-04-2006, 03:24:PM   #5
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Lovely information. You guys know what to do.
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Old 18-04-2006, 03:48:PM   #6
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so never shave the hair, love it.
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Old 18-04-2006, 04:51:PM   #7
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Hahahahahaaaa thats was feckin funny!
He has a fine grasp of language
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Old 18-04-2006, 04:55:PM   #8
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who the hell would shave it anyways?! trim it with some scissors or sumthing
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Old 18-04-2006, 05:03:PM   #9
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I m still wondering how he shaved it without brusing himself badly...must be one wonderkid having a flair for shaving...

*or did anyone help him? *
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Old 18-04-2006, 06:00:PM   #10
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if anything I'd laser the ****ers, but I've grown accustomed to them
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Old 18-04-2006, 06:22:PM   #11
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shud have just waxed the **** out lol....man that was hilarious....one of the best posts after dragan imo if i remember correctly
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Old 18-04-2006, 08:04:PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jatin
I m still wondering how he shaved it without brusing himself badly...must be one wonderkid having a flair for shaving...

*or did anyone help him? *
Do you shave by throwing bricks at your face in a very precise pattern?
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Old 18-04-2006, 08:40:PM   #13
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hah thread of the year, month at least:Bow:
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Old 18-04-2006, 08:47:PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rpvankasteren
Do you shave by throwing bricks at your face in a very precise pattern?


****in hell
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Old 18-04-2006, 11:12:PM   #15
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ahaha, thanks indeed. poor guy though
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