A moral question

[Sir Calumn]

So, I want to get the forums views on a moral question.

A friend of mine, lets call him A, is a very nice young man with a good job and a nice girlfriend whom has has been with a long time and is rather fond of and does not know if he loves. However, he also has quite a high sex drive and likes to have sex with various other women, he is also fond of booze and cocaine which drive this tendency further. He is very into PUA stuff and I think needs the self validation of proving to himself that he can still pull beautiful women. He has therefore cheated on his girlfriend on numerous occasions including occasionally with prostitutes.

However, it is purely sex and he has never formed an emotional attachment with any of these women. He keeps it entirely secret from his girlfriend and treats her extremely well, and she seems to be very happy. Were he not to sleep with other women he would almost certainly get bored in the relationship and may leave her, which would upset her greatly.

Is he therefore doing no harm and actually being kinder to his girlfriend by not hurting her, or are his actions morally unjustifiable and should he not be doing what he does? Please vote and give your opinion, let me know if you need more details and if I do not know them I will ask A.

 

[Back Door Skip]

Give that man a medal.







And some cocaine.

 

[Sir Calumn]

Oh just in case your answers would be influenced by the cultural context, I can tell you that A is a white New Zealander.

 

[Back Door Skip]

Does that white New Zealander have any particular ethnic preferences?

 

[Theodorakis]

very tricky to comment and it is entirely up to the person in that situation.. so I dont think it is a moral question.. all we can say is what we'd do or what we should do, but even we cant know how we would react..

you live with the same girl for 4 years, but you did get laid occasionally with your ex's.. so it is not pure sex obviously.. when you decide to marry her; will you tell the truth? or will you just leave it behind?

I did the former.. telling the truth, especially when you're not asked, doesnt always work..

 

[Sepak]

in a philosophical way, he's totally justified if he believes in Existentialism, morality can be only defined by himself, what is correct or incorrect for the society is irrelevant, Friedrich Nietzsche exposed it in his Master–slave morality, so you need to ask him what he is, a master or a slave? if he does not feel guilty nor proud of his acts and he doesn't hurt anybody in the process I find it justified.
Au Contraire, if he is a man of passions and values and he feels disgruntled by his acts, and the kind of person that enjoys conventional rules, tell him to choice between a "normal" life with only his girlfriend, or the promiscuous life.
ist er ein Übermensch?

 

[Sir Calumn]

Very interesting sepak, I will pose these questions to him and get back to you with his answers. However, from my association with him I would not describe him as a man of passions and values.

 

[clash]

I think it depends a lot on how his girlfriend feels about him, if she's in love with him but the dude's still not sure, then it'd be better for both of them to break up. Especially since things like these ("cheating") tend to come up, often in the weirdest ways you can imagine.

If the guy figures he is in love with the girl at some point, I think he should quit fucking around but not necessaily tell her about all of his fuckbuddies. You can't change the past anyway and it would just break their trust. If he can't stop sleeping with others, I think it's an indication that he DOESN'T love her enough and should break out.

After few painful experiences I have realized that only the most naive and easy solutions work. It's either mutual in every aspect (faithfulness, openness, love) or it will fall apart sooner or later and might aswell get done with it.

morality can be only defined by himself, what is correct or incorrect for the society is irrelevant

 

[Seán D]

I voted for morally wrong, not that I listen to morals anyway.

 

[Alex]

This sounds like an interesting situation to me. It seems like the guy genuinely likes the girl, and as far as I'm concerned, I fall into the "what she doesn't know, can't hurt her" wagon.

The issue I guess is, should she ever find out, how would she then feel?

So we'll never know if it's right or wrong I guess. Assuming she NEVER finds out, I think there is nothing wrong with what he's doing. However, if she does, I'm sure the girl would be heartbroken - and I'm sure if he does like her as you say he does, then he'd be awfully resentful as well. So in that case, he'd definitely be in the wrong.

 

[Alex]

in a philosophical way, he's totally justified if he believes in Existentialism, morality can be only defined by himself, what is correct or incorrect for the society is irrelevant, Friedrich Nietzsche exposed it in his Master–slave morality, so you need to ask him what he is, a master or a slave? if he does not feel guilty nor proud of his acts and he doesn't hurt anybody in the process I find it justified.

I think this is exactly the way I feel about the situation sepak. You've worded it much more elegantly than I could have though.

 

[ShiftyPowers]

I think it's fine. My fantasy football draft every year is where me and my high school friends get together in a different city to drink and girlfriends get cheated on. I don't do the cheating.

 

[Alex]

I think it's fine. My fantasy football draft every year is where me and my high school friends get together in a different city to drink and girlfriends get cheated on. I don't do the cheating.

Because you don't have a girlfriend?

As I've grown older, and been friends with loads more guys in long and real relationships, I've realised how much more common it is than the world seems to let on.

 

[ShiftyPowers]

Because you don't have a girlfriend?

That's exactly right. I have gone to long lengths to try not to hurt people, and being mostly single while I troll for strange is about 95% of it.

 

[yoyo913]

Depends on the person. I would feel guilty because there is a spiritual aspect to a relationship IMO where a deep honesty is something I value so if I were cheating there would be no way for me to reach that point/get to that level in a relationship. I know a lot of guys don't have that approach and see relationships more as a means to something, so those calculate a way that they find is win/win.

 

[coolkid45]

I believe that honesty is the most important aspect to a relationship, for both healthy and interpersonal connections. How can you spend your time with someone that not only has deep feelings for you, but is convinced that you are someone who in reality you portray the opposite of? In the end she will probably find out the truth and I think we all know she wont be too pleased with what she hears. While women are notorious liars, as we all know, once the relationship becomes something serious they tend to show their true colors and expect the same from their partner.

 

[jschuck12001]

I'm not trying to be Doctor Phil or play holier-than-thou but I wonder how old this guy is? Is it morally wrong, well it depends if you have morals and most who have matured to a certain point in life would feel too much guilt to pull off something like this. I feel for your friend though, living the party lifestyle of booze, drugs, woman, and prostitutes takes a toll on people and eventually ends in a huge wake up call whether it be jail, loss of something important to them, or a nasty STD. I know you said he has a good job but I don't think an elite social status would exclude him from hitting a wall eventually. I have a very good friend who sounds just like Mr A except he was married while living this same lifestyle and it almost cost him his career and his life. Your friend sounds like he is really unhappy and also carry's some serious trust issues with him, hope he finds some balance and normalcy in his life at some point. I have doubts he is doing this because he still wants to prove to himself he can get beautiful woman.

 

[Theodorakis]

.. also can I just ask, are we sure that A's girlfriend is not cheating on him?

 

[ShiftyPowers]

Good question. Sir_Didier_Drogba, how well do you know the girlfriend?

 

[Alex]

That is a good question. If I was guy A though, I'd most likely be of the same opinion - ie. Is she was cheating on me, does it really matter if I never know?

Everyone will jump in here and say they'd want to know etc, but they're disregarding the key point - you don't know that you don't know.

JS, I also disagree with your view regarding the person eventually hitting a wall, or being unhappy. I know more unhappy guys in steady, "honest" relationships than any other guys I know. I'm not sure that's always the answer.