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JOKES!! Post them here!
- Thread starter b-ytter
- Start date
I hope this one hasn't been posted before.. i can't be bothered to check, enjoy!
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
you mean seperated from a joke thread? I thought there was one but i think it was too long. Didn't bother to look for it because then i would have to look through it to see if it is already posted.
Anwyaz credit goes to stamatopolis
my friend who joined for just a few pms admins can delete his account i think) he has no posts.
I got some more but i will post on that joke thread (if it was on this forum
)
Anwyaz credit goes to stamatopolis
my friend who joined for just a few pms admins can delete his account i think) he has no posts. I got some more but i will post on that joke thread (if it was on this forum
)goal_machine84
Senior Squad
lol 
hhaaha panna.That was a good 1.
Ok here we go. My sister told me that 1 about a year ago too. Sry for ****ty translation.
A drumer just moved houses.
He started playing drums and then an old man went up to his appartement and asked him politely if he could be quiet because he just got operated and the doctor told him that he should not listen to rough sounds. The drumer said oh ok I am so sry last rehearsal and 2mmorow i will stop.He said it's ok then. (Since i am ****ty with translating this) that happened for 2-3 days now.One day the drummer was playing and the old man didn't go up. He though "**** damn , maybe I killed him". He went down to old man's appartment to check. He was looking for him and he found him in the bathroom. The old man was playing smth indeed...He asks him " Hey , oooold man wha what are you doing there?" And he said "Last Rehearsal and 2mmorow I am coming to **** you!"
Ok here we go. My sister told me that 1 about a year ago too. Sry for ****ty translation.
A drumer just moved houses.
He started playing drums and then an old man went up to his appartement and asked him politely if he could be quiet because he just got operated and the doctor told him that he should not listen to rough sounds. The drumer said oh ok I am so sry last rehearsal and 2mmorow i will stop.He said it's ok then. (Since i am ****ty with translating this) that happened for 2-3 days now.One day the drummer was playing and the old man didn't go up. He though "**** damn , maybe I killed him". He went down to old man's appartment to check. He was looking for him and he found him in the bathroom. The old man was playing smth indeed...He asks him " Hey , oooold man wha what are you doing there?" And he said "Last Rehearsal and 2mmorow I am coming to **** you!"
I nicked this one from ebaumsworld, i hope it hasn't been posted before..
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Hehe heard that one bout 6 years ago seriously!!! 
Well anyway here's my contribution
See everyone knows just how bad the Scottish national team is. Well they went to a new low recently. The English team went over to Scotland for a friendly. However the whole team found the Scottish pubs much more inviting than the football field. Everyone except Rooney(guess he's seen enough pubs). Anyways he insisted on going for the match so Beckham jokingly told him, "Hey those guys suck so bad you might be able to do the job yourself." Well Rooney took it seriously & went to the stadium to play. A few hours later someone in the pub turned on a radio & the commentor said that England had won the friendly 1-0. Shocked, the whole team rushed to the stadium to congratulate Rooney. Instead they found him sulking in the dressing room. So they asked him why. And Rooney replied "I'm sorry guys but i got sent off in the 1st minute........."
Well anyway here's my contributionSee everyone knows just how bad the Scottish national team is. Well they went to a new low recently. The English team went over to Scotland for a friendly. However the whole team found the Scottish pubs much more inviting than the football field. Everyone except Rooney(guess he's seen enough pubs
). Anyways he insisted on going for the match so Beckham jokingly told him, "Hey those guys suck so bad you might be able to do the job yourself." Well Rooney took it seriously & went to the stadium to play. A few hours later someone in the pub turned on a radio & the commentor said that England had won the friendly 1-0. Shocked, the whole team rushed to the stadium to congratulate Rooney. Instead they found him sulking in the dressing room. So they asked him why. And Rooney replied "I'm sorry guys but i got sent off in the 1st minute........."Joe Star said:Hehe heard that one bout 6 years ago seriously!!!
See everyone knows just how bad the Scottish national team is. Well they went to a new low recently. The English team went over to Scotland for a friendly. However the whole team found the Scottish pubs much more inviting than the football field. Everyone except Rooney(guess he's seen enough pubs
heard that one bout 6 years ago seriously!!!
except it was Man Utd vs Man City and Keane got sent off.
Deutschland
Starting XI
This is GOLD! I am going to use this with all different teams nowshez said:
houston3721
Senior Squad
i have read this one before, in a Chinese magazine.gian said:Since i am translating this from Greek i hope it won't become ****ty.
A couple from alaska decided to visit Florida
>to get rid of the snow and the cold for a bit.
>
>They decided to stay at the same hotel as when they had met.
>
>Because both had some job to do,they ve arranged that the man will arrive at wednesday and the woman at Thursday
>
>Well the man goes at the hotel,he goes at the room
>and see that they now have putted a laptop with connection to the internet
>
>He decided to send an email to his wife but by mistake
>he forgot a letter of the email adress and he sent it without understanding what he did.
>
>AT New york a woman has just lost her husband and she returned from the (ooopps forgot the damn word anyway from the chruch)
>and she checks her emails to see if she got anything from friends.
>
>When she reads the email she passes out and her son gets in the
>room,,he finds his mom down and he looks at the monitor of the laptop
>
>The email wrote:
>
>To: My lovely wife.
>
>Topic : I arrived
>
>I know that you are surprised to get a mail from me.They at last have a laptop here and you can email whoever you wish!.
>
>I just arrived and i got in the room.Everything is ready for you to come 2mmorow.
>I can't wait to see you. I hope you have a nice travel like i did.
>
P.S it's too hot down here!
its nice.I have one which is translated from Chinese by myself...
There are only 3 types or people in the whole world, the people who can count number and the people who cannont count.
How do you manage to seat 4 gays in a single chair?
You turn the chair upside down and use a legchair for each.
How many jews can you fit in a Wolzwagen?
6 million ashes.
Haw many cops you need to arrest a black dude?
You need 3 of am. 1 to hold the black guy and 2 to hold his stereo system.
Why jewish women like guys circumsized?
Because its 25 % off the original prize.
You turn the chair upside down and use a legchair for each.
How many jews can you fit in a Wolzwagen?
6 million ashes.
Haw many cops you need to arrest a black dude?
You need 3 of am. 1 to hold the black guy and 2 to hold his stereo system.
Why jewish women like guys circumsized?
Because its 25 % off the original prize.