JOKES!! Post them here!

henry#14

Starting XI
Joe Star said:
Man walks up to the bar & asks the waitress for a glass of milk. The waitress takes off her top & offers him her tits. The guy then tells her "Lucky I didnt ask for water......."

Aww...YUCK!!
 

b-ytter

Starting XI
Juicy Squirt

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
:jap:
 

Pogba4Now

Team Captain
Just got that mail!

>> > > NO speak English
>> > >
>> > > There was this Asian lady married to an American man and they
>>lived in Honolulu .
>> > >
>> > > The poor lady was not very proficient in english language,
>>but
>> > > managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem
>>arose
>> > > whenever she had to shop for groceries.
>> > >
>> > > One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of
>>mutton
>> > > She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in
>>desperation,
>> > > lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the
>>message
>> > > and the lady went home with mutton legs.
>> > >
>> > > The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she
>>didn't
>> > > know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show
>>the
>> > > butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
>> > >
>> > > The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
>> > > Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her
>>husband to
>> > > the store... (Please scroll page down.)
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > What were you thinking?
>> > > Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
>> > > Now get back to work...........
 

Seán D

fm prodigy
this is a bad one - but i have to post because of this:

3 blondes stranded on a deserted island. they come across a magical tree who gives them a wish each.

Blonde #1: I want to be a fish so I can swim home.
Her wish was granted and Half way she tires herself out and drowns.

Blonde #2: I want to be a bird so i can fly home.
Her wish was granted and Half way she tires herself out and falls to the ground.

Blonde #3: I want to be a brunette so i can go home.
Her wish was granted and she walks over the footbridge and walks safely home.

Now please slap me! :D
 

b-ytter

Starting XI
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
:boohoo:
 

jatin

Reserve Team
Why i fired my secretary:

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss".

Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said

"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to
lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country
to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day.

We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big
birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...on the couch.......... naked!
 

Seán D

fm prodigy
jatin said:
Why i fired my secretary:

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss".

Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said

"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to
lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country
to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day.

We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big
birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...on the couch.......... naked!
:rofl:
 

jatin

Reserve Team
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees the President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
 

Andrejs

Starting XI
A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him.
One day, he dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid" , said the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replied, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I
figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid,
"Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk,
and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down;
the man hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded
Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Brian, wake up you dirty drunken bastard, you're shitting the
bed"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A kid asks his dad if can he have a bike. The dad says: "No way - we've a hundred grand mortgage to pay and we're already struggling just with that."

The next morning the dad finds the kid, with suitcase in hand, at the front door. "Where are you going son?" he says. The son tearfully replies: "I'm leaving cos I walked past your room last nite and heard you say you were pulling out and mum said she was coming too and I'm not staying here on me own with a hundred grand mortgage and no bike."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hitler is at the edge of the burial hole in Auschwitz. Next to him is a string of prisoners.

"You!" says Hitler to the Czech next to him "lift your left foot like this and twist your left arm like this. Now jump!" The Jew jumps, while Hitler follows the fall very carefully.

"Now you!" says Hitler to a Polish man "twist your right foot like this and lift both hands up like this. Now jump!" The Polish jumps, while Hitler again follows the fall very carefully.

"And you!" says Hitler to a Russian woman "bend over and lean to the front like this. Now jump!" The Russian jumps, and Hitler again pays very much attention to the fall.

All of a sudden, a German soldier comes running to Hitler and jumps to a halt and attention: "Heil Hitler!"

"Heil! What happened?"

"Mr. Goering gracefully announces the Chief of Staff meeting, as soon as you finish your game of Tetris."
 

jatin

Reserve Team
t was Postman John's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
The mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him
on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her
lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed
him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with
freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she Poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's The
five quid for?"

"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for
you."

"I asked him what I should give you."

He said, "F*ck him, Give him a fiver."

"The breakfast was my idea ! "
 

Pogba4Now

Team Captain
2 friends went to f'uck a girl. 1st one went in, came out and said "...my wife is better"

The second friend went in, came out and said "you are right your wife is better"
 

Pogba4Now

Team Captain
girl: ouch its too tight
boy: don't worry love we'll do it slowly
girl: push it in
boy:aah..! I can't!
Girl: Its painful!
Boy: Forget it, lets get a new wedding ring.
==========================================
A girl wears sleeveless dress everytime. On right arm she writes 'C' and on the left arm she writes 'L'. Friend asks her what it means. She says I'm C(.)(.)L !!
==========================================
To make it straight she pulls it. To make it stand she rubs it. To make it stiff she licks it. To put it in she pushes it.
Its a hell of a job...





... Threading a needle...
 

Hans

How big is YOUR penis?
AH BENG the Crazy Singaporean.


Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?


Because below 18 not allowed!





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Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.


Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"


Salesgirl : "Yes !"


Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "





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Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.


He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address
etc.


Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the
question


After much thought, he writes " Yes "





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Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.


Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"


Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."


Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"


Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"


Ah Beng : "I'll buy i! t"


The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask


Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"


Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."


Boss : "What does it do ?"


Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"


Boss : "What do you have in it !?"


Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"





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After taking photocopies of documents,


Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.





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Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms


because he thinks his picture is being taken.





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Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?


Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.





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Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.


When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command


after some tries.


Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer
for


support.


Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half
an


hour and still nobody come and help me ?!"





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Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.


The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I


was ironing a shirt and the phone ring - but instead of picking up the


phone, I accidentally picked up


the iron and stuck it to my ear"


"Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.


"But .... what happened to the other ear ?"


Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back!!!!"





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Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.


Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

Taipei AND LAS VEGAS
?"


Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."


Ah Beng : "THANK YOU " and he puts down the phone.





-----? ? ? ? ? ?-------





After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some
time,


Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.


"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.


"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.


"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7
YRS".





------? ? ? ? ? ?-------





At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender,


"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"


and his companion says, "Carlos DANIELS, SINGLE".


The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"


Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED"
 


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