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JOKES!! Post them here!
- Thread starter b-ytter
- Start date
Mauricio;2255828 said:
you might wanna fix this or ill do it for you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLZWMabiioI
A teacher was playing a guessing game with her students. She says " Guess whats behind my back. Ill give you a hint, Its small, red and juicy."
Johnny Says "Is it a tomato?" She says "no its an apple but I like the way your thinking. Guess whats behind my back now. Its small green and hairy."
"Is it a Gooseberry" Johnny said
"No its a kiwi but I like the way your thinking."
"Teacher guess what I have in my pocket, Its round hard and has a head on it."
"Thats disgusting"
no its a coin but I like the way your thinking!
Johnny Says "Is it a tomato?" She says "no its an apple but I like the way your thinking. Guess whats behind my back now. Its small green and hairy."
"Is it a Gooseberry" Johnny said
"No its a kiwi but I like the way your thinking."
"Teacher guess what I have in my pocket, Its round hard and has a head on it."
"Thats disgusting"
no its a coin but I like the way your thinking!
Lawyer jokes!
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
The tooth fairy, a dragon, An honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar. They see a quarter. Who gets it?
The drunk. The others are only mythological creatures!
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.
"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."
"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing - how do you start a flood?"
After his death, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.
After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.
"What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'lawyers' clock?"
The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere... Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."
Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan.
"Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done."
"I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything."
"You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it."
"You think I care about that contract?" asked Satan. "You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don't leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract."
"If you don't make the repairs," St. Peter said angrily, "The law will make you. If you don't live up to your obligations under the contract, we'll sue you."
"Sue me?" Satan couldn't help laughing. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A. God does not think he is a lawyer.
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
The tooth fairy, a dragon, An honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar. They see a quarter. Who gets it?
The drunk. The others are only mythological creatures!
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.
"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."
"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing - how do you start a flood?"
After his death, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.
After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.
"What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'lawyers' clock?"
The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere... Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."
Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan.
"Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done."
"I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything."
"You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it."
"You think I care about that contract?" asked Satan. "You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don't leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract."
"If you don't make the repairs," St. Peter said angrily, "The law will make you. If you don't live up to your obligations under the contract, we'll sue you."
"Sue me?" Satan couldn't help laughing. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A. God does not think he is a lawyer.
lol those lawyer ones are good
S
Sir Calumn
Guest
yoyo913
Team Captain
Jaboldinho
Fan Favourite
English radio station had a contest where the winner needed to think of a real word that was not in the Oxford encyclopedia.
The first call:
Hello, you're on the air!
-Hello, my word is goan.
Could you use it in a sentence?
-Goan f*ck yourself!
The DJ hung up.
2 hours had past and no1 had won yet. A new call:
Hello, you're on the air!
-Hi, my word is smee.
Could you use it in a sentence?
-Smee again, goan f*ck yourself!
The first call:
Hello, you're on the air!
-Hello, my word is goan.
Could you use it in a sentence?
-Goan f*ck yourself!
The DJ hung up.
2 hours had past and no1 had won yet. A new call:
Hello, you're on the air!
-Hi, my word is smee.
Could you use it in a sentence?
-Smee again, goan f*ck yourself!
goal_machine84
Senior Squad
Why did the math teacher get raped in the class ?
She said " Now i'll fcuk you" and the boys went crazy
Later it was found out that wat she really meant was the starting of an equation......"Alpha Q > theta B"
She said " Now i'll fcuk you" and the boys went crazy
Later it was found out that wat she really meant was the starting of an equation......"Alpha Q > theta B"
An old Latvian is walking down the street, sees a person that has just been killed by a falling brick and complains "Pity that a Latvian dies when there are so few Latvians." A bystander tells him that it is a Russian, not a Latvian, and the old man complains "Damn! There are so many Russians here so that there is not enough room for a brick to hit the ground."
My rough translation:
Attention!
Dear inmates. Our weekly walk on March 20 has been canceled. Everyone should gather in the prison hall where a remote official meeting of the government will take place. You will have an opportunity to meet face-to-face with ministers and have your questions answered.
The Administration
ZZbatam;2297990 said:
My rough translation:
Attention!
Dear inmates. Our weekly walk on March 20 has been canceled. Everyone should gather in the prison hall where a remote official meeting of the government will take place. You will have an opportunity to meet face-to-face with ministers and have your questions answered.
The Administration
Nice governments we've got there
fender
Fan Favourite
Not sure if this goes here but anyway, hilarious comic book panels
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/03/top_15_unintent.html
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/03/top_15_unintent.html
