The joke thread.

bjmenge

The Man From Ohio
Originally posted by Shifty the monkey
how many joke threads have we had :|
Not enough. Jokes are great. (Y)

Anyways, here's one, from one of my favorite joke sources, maximonline.com...


Fatal Attraction

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."


:crazyboy:
 

Limberopoulos21

Senior Squad
Why did the chicken cross the road?

So Bob Saget could make 100s of joke about it.

HAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahaha

Here's a better one.

Alabama justice

A man was driving down the road, accidently hits 2 black men. An officer nearby goes to see what happened.

Officer- What happened here?

Man- It was an accident, please officer I can't go to jail, they cornhole you while you pick up a soap bar, they pee in a cup and then throw it on you they...

Officer- Don't worry boy, see that man in your windsheild, he vandalised your windsheild with red paint and he smashed your windshield with his own body.

Man- but...

Officer- See that one in the fields, he's evating the law by hiding in the fields he's also this fellas accomplice, another offence in my books.

Man- But, I just ran over to guys.

Officer- That's it, you're getting the death penalty. Talking too much to an annoyed officer. Same with you 2.
 

SID7

Youth Team
What do you call two C*ltic-fans smashing over a cliff in a Renault Espace?
Waste of space, you could stuff a least eight of those bástards in to one of those things :D

What do you say to a Leeds-fan who has a job?
Big Mac menu, please

Why wasn't Jesus born in Liverpool?
How the fúck do you expect god to find a virgin and three wise men in Liverpool?!

What's a virgin in Middlesbrough?
A girl who can run faster than her father and brothers

What's the difference between acne and a man from Middlesbrough?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13

How do you know when it is bedtime in Middlesbrough?
When the big hand touches the small hand.

Playtex have invented a new bra, called the Spurs bra. It's got no cups and little support.

If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never throw a brick at him?
It might be your bike :D

What's the difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and God?
God doesn't think he's Sir Alex Ferguson.

What's the difference between Leeds and a bucket of horse ****?
Horse **** works wonders on grass!

You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.

What would it take to reunite the Beatles ?
3 more bullets !
 

Limberopoulos21

Senior Squad
Here's the joke from that thread that started it all, but now it's closed. so here it is.

ok theres 3 rabaiis and one priest a cat a fly and a fish.
(note- the priest and rabais only watch)


-so there's this fly that 12 inches above water.
-A fish is near the surface of the water, hungry for fly.
-A cat is on land and is hungry for fish and is waiting til the fish jumps up to catch the fly so he can eat the fish.

The fly moves 6 inches down and the fish jumps up, then the cat jumps for the fish. They both miss their targets.

Moral- when a fly goes down 6 inches, a pussy get's wet.

Then the priest malestes several children the end.
 

SID7

Youth Team
Originally posted by Limberopoulos21

-so there's this fly that 12 inches above water.
-A fish is near the surface of the water, hungry for fly.
-A cat is on land and is hungry for fish and is waiting til the fish jumps up to catch the fly so he can eat the fish.

The fly moves 6 inches down and the fish jumps up, then the cat jumps for the fish. They both miss their targets.

Moral- when a fly goes down 6 inches, a pussy get's wet.

LOL!
Fúcking brilliant!
Just plain fúcking brilliant :D :rockman: :hump:
 

Caponedawg

Senior Squad
3 priests are sitting around playing strip poker.

The first priest turns to the third priest and says,

"I bet you one hundred dollars that you won't go butt naked in front of the nuns and throw these two bars of soap at them.

Second Priest: I'll bet you one hundred dollars too!

So the the third priest accepts the bid and strips butt naked. He takes two bars of soap and runs towards the nuns quarters. On his way he hears footsteps approaching and stops in his tracks and freezes. Three nuns come up and see this naked man in the corner in the hallway. The nuns immediately think it is a new statue. They remark about how realistic and lifelike the new statue is and say how much of a fortune it must've cost to buy it. Their curiosity gets the best of them and the first nun pulls on the priest's penis. Surprised by this development the priest drops the first bar of soap into the nun's hand. She remarks, "Wow when I pulled on his penis I got a bar of soap.

The second nun was curious so she pulled on his penis and the priest dropped the second bar of soap. "Wow you were right, I pulled on his penis and I got a bar of soap."

The third nun was also curious so she pulled on his penis and screamed WOW!. "When you guys pulled onhis penis you got bars of soap, when I pulled on his penis I got hand soap"
 
D

Dan the monkey

Guest
LOL nice one Caponedawg! :rockman: Theres this good one about Sir Alex Ferguson in a beauty contest, i know it but knowing me i'll put it into words that makes it very unfunny
:|
 

bjmenge

The Man From Ohio
Originally posted by Caponedawg
3 priests are sitting around playing strip poker.

The first priest turns to the third priest and says,

"I bet you one hundred dollars that you won't go butt naked in front of the nuns and throw these two bars of soap at them.

Second Priest: I'll bet you one hundred dollars too!

So the the third priest accepts the bid and strips butt naked. He takes two bars of soap and runs towards the nuns quarters. On his way he hears footsteps approaching and stops in his tracks and freezes. Three nuns come up and see this naked man in the corner in the hallway. The nuns immediately think it is a new statue. They remark about how realistic and lifelike the new statue is and say how much of a fortune it must've cost to buy it. Their curiosity gets the best of them and the first nun pulls on the priest's penis. Surprised by this development the priest drops the first bar of soap into the nun's hand. She remarks, "Wow when I pulled on his penis I got a bar of soap.

The second nun was curious so she pulled on his penis and the priest dropped the second bar of soap. "Wow you were right, I pulled on his penis and I got a bar of soap."

The third nun was also curious so she pulled on his penis and screamed WOW!. "When you guys pulled onhis penis you got bars of soap, when I pulled on his penis I got hand soap"
Haha, I remember that from about 5th grade, but it's still hillarious. :crazyboy:
 

SID7

Youth Team
I think i'll just throw in a couple more:

Whats the difference between an onion and a Chelski-supporter?
Nobody cries when you slice a Chelski-supporter :D

What's the difference between the Toon keeper and a taxi driver?
A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

Liverpools newest big-name signing, a Bosnian international, has just scored on his debut for the club and immediately after the match phones his Mum:
Bosnian-Scouser: Hello Mum.
Mum: Hello son, how was your debut?
B-S: Well it went brilliantly. I scored in front of the Kop and we only lost 3-1.
Mum: That's wonderful. But I'm afraid that things here at home aren't so good.
B-S: Why, what's happened?
Mum: Well, this morning our car was set ablaze by a masked mob. They then broke into our house with baseball bats and battered your brother. They shot your father in the kneecaps, so he can't walk anymore, and then raped your sister before moving on to the dog.
B-S: That's terrible....
Mum: I know. Why couldn't you have left us in Bosnia instead of bringing us to Liverpool with you?

An old Red is lying on his death bed and calls his son over to him.
“Son, here take my United season ticket”
“Thanks Dad, I’ll make sure I keep it on forever....”
“And son, go out and get me one for ****ty of Manchester Stadium instead”
The young lad is horrified. “But dad, you’ve been a United fan all your life. Why are you changing now?”
“Well” says the old man, “I’d rather one of those blue bastards went than one of us!”
 

Rob

Mourinho’s Assistant
A little boy tells hes dad that he has an imaginary friend, and tells him its called Jenna.

The dad ask's hes son, where is your friend now?
The boy replies, My friend is my hand.

The dad goes ooooo, winks at hes son and goes we all have imaginary friends.












Now for the people who don't get it... the name Jenna refers to the pornstar Jenna Jameson. ;)
 

Andrew

Banned : [Racism]
Life Ban
Re: The joke thread.

Originally posted by Limberopoulos21
Tell everyone your funny jokes or stories. Plz do not insult people, except for celebrities.

Ok

Q) Whats hit more Balls than Tiger Woods Golf Club
 

Ubik Valis

Croatian Viking
A bear and a rabbit are taking a sh!t in the forest. All of a sudden, the bear turns towards the rabbit and says:

"Excuse, but I was wondering, do you have trouble with sh!t sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says: "No."
.
.
.
.
.
.
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it! (H)

-----------------------

A chinese man and an israeli are talking. All of a sudden, the israeli goes:
"You know what, I don't like you chinese."
"Why the hell not?!", said the chinese.
"Cause ya'll bombed Pearl Harbor", said the israeli.
"What the fu**", said the chinese man, "that wasn't the chinese, that was the japanese!"
"Bah", said the israeli, "chinese, japanese, vietnamese, it's all the same!"
To which the chinese man replied:
"Well, you know what, I don't like you israelis!"
"Why?", said the israeli.
"Cause you guys sunk the Titanic!", said the chinese man.
"What are you talking about? That wasn't an israeli, that was an iceberg!", replied the israeli.
To which the chinese man replied:
"Bah, Iceberg, Goldberg, Spielberg, it's all the same!"

:crazyboy:
 


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