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Sorry Sorry Man United


Make America Great Again
The summer of 2011 was a rough one for Manchester United. Although there were a few young signings, the club did not look to get significantly better and the fingers were all pointed at Malcolm Glazer. It was obvious to everyone that he is trying to take as much money out of the club and into his pockets as he possibly can, and the team was suffering for it. Oh sure, they reached the Champions League Final in May, but that was largely seen as a fluke and a last hoorah. The Glazers were beginning plans to take the club public in a completely dishonest way to pad their pockets without relinquishing any control of the club. Unfortunately, they made it clear to Sir Alex Ferguson that he would not be one of the senior employees to get a huge cash bonus from this sale, and that was it for the red nosed Scotsman. He resigned in a huff, and Malcolm Glazer was left in a tough situation.

He realized very quickly that Ferguson towing the company line for years was the only reason the fans did not turn their full fury on him. He would need to make a splash hiring for the new manager who could win immediately. He also needed a company man who would tolerate the greedy ownership style that Glazer fully intended to continue.

He met with Rafa Benitez and Jose Mourinho, but the financial limitations made the job completely unattractive to them. He met with Brendan Rogers and Andre Vilas Boas, but felt like they were not experienced enough to win right away. He even placed a call to Ottmar Hitzfeld, who said he was done managing clubs and was content to drink lattes in Switzerland.

While pondering over the future and wondering if his perfect candidate even existed, his personal assistant buzzed into his office.

“Jose Cruyff to see you, sir”


“Jose Cruyff? Is that what you said you name was? […] That’s what his name is sir, he said he is here to interview for the managerial position.”

Malcolm Glazer did not have any interviews scheduled for the day, although this new name sounded awfully familiar. Figuring he must have forgot about the interview, or that this was a real go-getter trying to seize an opportunity, Glazer decided to “let him in.”

A minute later, a 6-foot man wearing an immaculately tailored suit with a Dutch flag blazer patch adorning the chest pocket sauntered into the office, looked Malcolm Glazer dead in the eye, firmly shook his hand, and said in a bafflingly unique accent “Jose Cruyff. Nice to meet you Mr. Glazer.”

“Well it is a pleasure to meet you as well, Mr. Cruyff. That name is awfully familiar, do I know you from somewhere?”

“I don’t think we have met sir, but I am the son of Jose Mourinho and Chantal Cruyff, the daughter of Johan Cruyff. My mother was very young when she gave birth to me, so it was covered up, but my family has made sure that I got the very best football education. I have learned for years under my father and grandfather, soaking up everything they have to say like a sponge. I think I have a lot to offer, and I would like to offer it to Manchester United.”

Malcolm Glazer was stunned silent. This couldn’t be real, but if it was… And the face stubble and excessive use of cologne certainly was evidence that this man was Portuguese, even if his accent was unusual.

“Mr. Cruyff, you must excuse me for being a little wary, but this is the most impossible thing I have ever heard. If what you are saying is true, you will also understand that I am concerned you might be very headstrong. What I need is a manager to take orders.”

“I completely understand that, in fact that is why I came here. I don’t have the dynamic personality of the rest of my family and I need someone above me. My family’s reputation has proceeded me everywhere, but I would much prefer to have limits set for me; plus I know what a chance you would be taking on me, so I would be immensely appreciative if you took this chance and appointed me manager.”

“We will let you know in a few days, naturally I’ll have to check up on your story.”

“Of course. Here is a list of references including my father and grandfather and other top managers I have served on staff with and learned from.”

Glazer called the references and spoke with several people who claimed to be giants in the world of football. Johan Cruyff, Jose Mourinho, Marco Bielsa all gave glowing reviews of the prodigy. To make sure he was not being played, Glazer took to google, and found several references to Jose Cruyff across the Wikipedia pages of all the people he claimed to have worked with. Glazer was set to take a chance.

“Alright Jose” he said into the phone, “you’re hired. Be at the club tomorrow at 9am and we will announce you to the press. Hope you have thick skin.”

“The thickest sir.”

I am Jose Cruyff. Well, okay I’m not. I’m impersonating him and made up a fake back story to get the Manchester United job. I hate Manchester United and I will be relegating them this year. And next year, and the year after that, until they are playing Sunday League games at Old Trafford. On the way, I will be destroying the careers and legacies of despicable United Legends like Giggs, Scholes, and Rooney.


Make America Great Again
The press conference was good. Here are some of my better answers:

The preseason was a good one. First of all I shipped out all the dead weight

Then I brought in some players that I felt could really make a difference:

I also have developed a brilliant tactic that you really have to see to believe; I wasn't kidding about defense first:

The Charity Shield against City will be a great opportunity to signal our intents for the year.


Make America Great Again
Right before the game, I locked up two stars on reasonable contracts to make sure they don't retire before going all the way down:

August 7

We lost 1-0 to City in the Charity Shield managing 28% of the possession. Heskey is injured for 6 weeks :( Sol Campbell got sent off :( :(

Pretty perfect start IMO. Zero offense, but there are so many narrow defenders that we won't get blown out. This will hopefully help me keep my job longer.

August 8

Heskey is named Captain, Djemba-Djemba vice. The squad is PISSED OFF. Except for Green and Djemba-Djemba who feel great.

August 10

Rio strains his wrist ahead of the Premier League opener against Norwich. He is given injections so he does not miss such a vital game.

Speaking of conditioning, we might see a lot of injuries this season and everyone is on this schedule:

And I don't believe in substitutions.

August 14

0-0 draw, Norwich pissed about not getting a penalty. It was actually an even game which does not bode well for Norwich's survival this season.

August 20

Something strange is afoot as we actually dominated this match with 69% possession. I guess teams still think that we're going to be good. I yanked Rob Green and made all the defenders into forwards in the 88th minute, and we were unable to hang on with Rooney in goal. 1-0 loss to Stoke at Old Trafford (H)


Make America Great Again
Any suggestions? The deadline is quickly approaching. And my budget is pretty low. I made inquiries about Joey Barton, Didier Drogba, and David Beckham, but they were either too expensive or uninterested. This won't be like Real Madrid where they had a HUGE surplus of cash; United are swimming in debt, all I have to do is lose and they will be ruined.


Team Captain
Hmmm it might be hard with no money... Some names to inquire

Roberto Carlos, Thierry Henry, Cuauhtemoc Blanco, Raul, Shevchenko, Nolberto Solano, Demarcus Beasley, Freddy Adu, Del Pierro, Gilberto Silva, Michael Owen, Ronaldinho, Ariel Ortega, Nwankwo Kanu, Quaresma, Gallas, Brad Friedel, Onyewu, Roberto Pires, Torsten Frings, Nesta, Rivaldo....


Team Captain
Sorry Sorry Man United

... Mikael Forssell, Gattuso, Veron, Trezeguet, Zoltan Gera, O'Shea, Wes Brown, Van Nisterlooy, Recoba, Kaladze, Van Bommel, John Terry, Mutu, Tim Howard, Crespo, Gudjohnsen, Papa Boupa Diop, Mastroeni, Riquelme, Phil Neville, Jerzy Dudek, Totti.
Diouf, Dida, Mikael Silvestre, Inzaghi, John Mensah, Rigobert Song, Geremi, Owen Hargreaves, Deco, Jankulovski, Amanatidis.

Please try and take David Beckham back down with you and maybe Phil Neville too.


Make America Great Again
August 28

2-0 loss to Tottenham at White Hart Lane.

"This loss just demonstrates how poor this squad is. Giggs' frail body shows how poor his conditioning and commitment to this club is. I am forced into additional signings. Also, Berbatov and Cleverly are transfer listed; any interested clubs should contact me."

Transfer Deadline Day

"Rivaldo still has a lot to give at age 39. Did you SEE him in the World Cup!? What a legend. That gamesmanship against Turkey was brilliant."

We also got our Champions League Group, which will be the last teams United face in Europe

September 10

1-1 at Old Trafford vs. Bolton. Vidic scores in the 90th minute off a corner taken by Robert Green.

"Now you see why I have Greeney take the corners! That was a solid point for such a poor team of selfish players like Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs. Diouf was pretty good."

Robert Green gets named in the Premiership Team of the Week.

September 13

1-0 loss at Old Trafford to Marseille on a Valbuena goal. Scholes finishes the game with 27% condition and somehow didn't get injured. I yell at them for playing so poorly. The morale is abysmal.

September 15

Robert Green breaks down in training like an old jalopy.

September 17

You might want to see this one. A suspicious tactical change in the 85th minute swung the game in Villa's favor

Giggs and Jones are fined 2 weeks wages which they both shockingly accept.

Rooney tells me that he isn't comfortable in his current position and would like to play as striker. I tell him he's being unprofessional and should respect my decisions. He does not agree. Excellent.

September 18

My assistant tells me that I need to hold a team meeting before awful team morale gets worse. I agree and tell them that the way we're playing there's no reason we can't make a strong bid for the title. Several players are demotivated. I end the meeting without letting anyone else speak.


Staff member
Great signings, Shifty. The results will come, don't worry. I'm really loving the potential of this team.


Back Door Skip

Staff member
Awesome. I really enjoyed the Real Madrid game even after reading the thread years later. Looking forward to see Man U fail!


Club Supporter
If you need a player, you may be able to go FIFA14FORUOMS.Com, there has exchanged between the players and discussions.