M
MANUTDMAN
Guest
who do you like better
A. Canadians
B. Americans
thank you
and
I AM CANADIAN
A. Canadians
B. Americans
thank you
and
I AM CANADIAN
-
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Thank you!
S
SAM_DALLA_BONA
Guest
americans
Alenitchev
Reserve Team
OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH CANADA,
WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE!
WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE!
T
TheDUB
Guest
America offers more in terms of jokes, but I prefer Canada...
D
dragan84
Guest
c: none!
S
Socceraddict
Guest
Translating Southern United States to English
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd
from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my
pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back
to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a
flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to
see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd
from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my
pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back
to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a
flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to
see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
S
Socceraddict
Guest
The Top 16 Signs Your White House Internship Is Going Well
16. The President lets you ride on "Air Force One," if you know what I mean.
15. Boss not only implements "Casual Fridays" but also "Topless Tuesdays."
14. You've just leapfrogged Al Gore in the line of succession.
13. "Oooh, yeah, baby -- I'll make you a White House Secretary... Assistant Chief of Staff... ohhh... Ambassador to Sweden!... Supreme Court Justice!!! Supreme Court Justice!!!"
12. The President has the Secret Service detail your '91 Taurus.
11. Buddy no longer wastes time sniffing both your crotch and the President's.
10. After your first "meeting" with "The Boss," you move up 2 tax brackets.
9. As if national publicity, a $1M movie deal, and $10M in Democratic hush money wasn't enough, the Paula Jones Foundation for Homely Women has donated $20K to you for a full makeover.
8. You get to sit on Gore's lap during the State of the Union Address.
7. You know the White House like you know the back of the President's head.
6. Your per diem is bigger than Peru's GNP and your only duty is to keep silent.
5. The first lady invites you on a private ski weekend.
4. The Vice President isn't the only "stiffie" you've seen in the White House.
3. Performance review rated you a "10" in the category "Ability to turn-on the president with your hillbilly good looks."
2. Al Gore's pulse jumps up to 3 when you pass by.
and the Number 1 Sign Your White House Internship Is Going Well...
1. It ain't Keats, but for Bubba, "Shall I compare thee to a Big Mac" is pretty damn romantic.
16. The President lets you ride on "Air Force One," if you know what I mean.
15. Boss not only implements "Casual Fridays" but also "Topless Tuesdays."
14. You've just leapfrogged Al Gore in the line of succession.
13. "Oooh, yeah, baby -- I'll make you a White House Secretary... Assistant Chief of Staff... ohhh... Ambassador to Sweden!... Supreme Court Justice!!! Supreme Court Justice!!!"
12. The President has the Secret Service detail your '91 Taurus.
11. Buddy no longer wastes time sniffing both your crotch and the President's.
10. After your first "meeting" with "The Boss," you move up 2 tax brackets.
9. As if national publicity, a $1M movie deal, and $10M in Democratic hush money wasn't enough, the Paula Jones Foundation for Homely Women has donated $20K to you for a full makeover.
8. You get to sit on Gore's lap during the State of the Union Address.
7. You know the White House like you know the back of the President's head.
6. Your per diem is bigger than Peru's GNP and your only duty is to keep silent.
5. The first lady invites you on a private ski weekend.
4. The Vice President isn't the only "stiffie" you've seen in the White House.
3. Performance review rated you a "10" in the category "Ability to turn-on the president with your hillbilly good looks."
2. Al Gore's pulse jumps up to 3 when you pass by.
and the Number 1 Sign Your White House Internship Is Going Well...
1. It ain't Keats, but for Bubba, "Shall I compare thee to a Big Mac" is pretty damn romantic.
S
Socceraddict
Guest
Little Johnny and The Presidents
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'For Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'For Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
S
Socceraddict
Guest
Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual
appetite? A: It Takes A Village!
Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"
Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.
Q: How can you tell that President Clinton is sure he's going to be re-elected?
A: He started dating again!
Q:How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White House with a plane was insane?
A: Apparently he thought President Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
Q: What did Bill Clinton say when asked about the campaign promises he broke?
A: "They seemed kinda like marriage vows."
Q: What was Bill Clinton's favorite part of the Olympics?
A: The Opening Ceremonies because it was the only time he could be around an old flame and not have to dodge allegations.
Q: What do the Zippergate and Watergate scandals have in common?
A: Deep Throats.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a professional Roller Derby player?
A: In Roller Derby, they bang females in turns...
Q: What's Clinton's favorite football play?
A: Making passes at tight ends.
Q: How do you best describe Clinton's sex life?
A: Bent!
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual
appetite? A: It Takes A Village!
Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"
Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.
Q: How can you tell that President Clinton is sure he's going to be re-elected?
A: He started dating again!
Q:How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White House with a plane was insane?
A: Apparently he thought President Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
Q: What did Bill Clinton say when asked about the campaign promises he broke?
A: "They seemed kinda like marriage vows."
Q: What was Bill Clinton's favorite part of the Olympics?
A: The Opening Ceremonies because it was the only time he could be around an old flame and not have to dodge allegations.
Q: What do the Zippergate and Watergate scandals have in common?
A: Deep Throats.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a professional Roller Derby player?
A: In Roller Derby, they bang females in turns...
Q: What's Clinton's favorite football play?
A: Making passes at tight ends.
Q: How do you best describe Clinton's sex life?
A: Bent!
S
Socceraddict
Guest
The Bill Of No Rights
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the World is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the World is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
S
Socceraddict
Guest
Clinton And Friends On The Titanic
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, & Newt Gingrich were on the Titanic, when they heard that it was sinking.
Newt said to Bill and Al, "Let's save the women and children!!"
In reply, Al Gore said, "Screw the women and children!"
Bill Clinton then replied, "Do we have time?"
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, & Newt Gingrich were on the Titanic, when they heard that it was sinking.
Newt said to Bill and Al, "Let's save the women and children!!"
In reply, Al Gore said, "Screw the women and children!"
Bill Clinton then replied, "Do we have time?"
S
Socceraddict
Guest
Application for a White House Internship
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 2001 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." --M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at [email protected]
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
* Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 2001 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." --M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at [email protected]
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
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S
Socceraddict
Guest
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: " You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood?"
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: " You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood?"
S
Socceraddict
Guest
I like Americans, they're so much fun making fun out of them.
S
Scheiße
Guest
I prefer Canadians - sorry Yanks, but I just dun like u...
E
erxidivist
Guest
Great name, Scheisse!
Way to bring it up from the dead!!
BTW those jokes were fairly funny..
I have one, kind of along the same lines:
Each Friday, the teacher let a person out 15 minutes early if they knew the answer to a question.
The first Friday, the question was: Who discovered America? Johnny had barely raised his hand when Bill said "Christopher Columbus" and was let out early.
Next Friday, Johnny was all ready. "Who was the Beatles' drummer?" But before he knew it, Sally had yelled out "Ringo Starr!" Johnny was mad. He wanted to get out early, so he made up a plan.
Next Friday, just before quiz time, he let out a whole lot of black marbles all over the floor. The teacher asked, "OK, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Johnny yelled out: "Bill Cosby! See you Monday!"
maddog1983
Starting XI
whats with all the guests???