• This is a reminder of 3 IMPORTANT RULES:

    1- External self-promotion websites or apps are NOT allowed here, like Discord/Twitter/Patreon/etc.

    2- Do NOT post in other languages. English-only.

    3- Crack/Warez/Piracy talk is NOT allowed.

    Breaking any of the above rules will result in your messages being deleted and you will be banned upon repetition.

    Please, stop by this thread SoccerGaming Forum Rules And Guidelines and make sure you read and understand our policies.

    Thank you!

Footballing Jokes.

R

Rob

Mourinho’s Assistant
Post your funniest footballing jokes here :)

Keep it clean or else....

Now I will start off

------

Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson, and Jose Mourinho all perish in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Wenger and asked, "tell what is important about yourself." Wenger responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Wenger and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Ferguson what he revered most. Ferguson responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Mourinho, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Mourinho?" Mourinho responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".
 
M

manutd4eva

Fan Favourite
Haha, class.(H)

One for you, Rob.:amika:

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

(H)
 
R

Rocky

Forza Suarez! (ps brotha can you spare a dime?)
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.



Q. "What does a 3 pin plug and Arsenal Football Club have in common?"
A. "They're both useless in Europe"

What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
A. The tea stays in the cup longer!
 
M

manutd4eva

Fan Favourite
Fire brigade phones Arsene Wenger in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Wenger sir, Highbury is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Arsene.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
 
B

BayernBoz

Senior Squad
Q: What do you call 100 Arsenal supporters at the bottom of a cliff?

A: A good start!






Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"








A spectator at a match in the North of England kept up a constant barrage of insults and derogatory remarks directed against the referee.

Finally the ref could stand it no longer. He marched over to the stand and, looking the noisy spectator squarely in the eye, shouted,

'Look here - I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes . . .'

'I thought so,' the spectator shouted back. 'I knew you couldn't have been watching the game!
 
B

Bonzi

Starting XI
Originally posted by BayernBoz
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
Click to expand...
(Y) :rofl:
 
T

TheBlueBalla

Starting XI
Originally posted by italianstallion

Q. "What does a 3 pin plug and Arsenal Football Club have in common?"
A. "They're both useless in Europe"
Click to expand...

My favorite so far, though the Chelsea fan one is a close second :D
 
D

dannyeli

Fan Favourite
Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Man Utd striker Diego Forlan?

A: Clinton can score.
 
R

Rob

Mourinho’s Assistant
Originally posted by dannyeli
Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Man Utd striker Diego Forlan?

A: Clinton can score.
Click to expand...
:kader: Forlan can score, watch La Liga.
 
S

SuRFy

Starting XI
Owned. Jee Arsenal is getting flogged in this joke thread, keel it up. :D

But time to pay off Mr. Becks. :D

Quick Facts


Club: Manchester United.

Born: 2nd May 1975.

Height 6 ft.

Married: Posh Spice Victoria Beckham.

Children: Romeo and Brooklyn.

World's most famous footballer, does a lot of modelling, gets paid millions a year. Once a villain ( Argentina world cup sending off ) nowadays England's football hero of choice.

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

Q: What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
A: A: They are both f***ing useless singers.

Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.

Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
 
S

SuRFy

Starting XI
Here are some Chants.

Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Bowyer,
Oooh! Ah!
We want to knooooooow, why your not in jail! .
Becoming universal...

"Who put the ball in the Arsenal net
Who put the ball in the Arsenal net
Who put the ball in the Arsenal net
Half of f****** Europe!"
Chelsea fans sung "shall we buy a ground for you?"
To which the Arsenal fans replied with "shall we win the league for you"

to the tune of 'Cos I Got High' - Afroman)
He's Out the England squad and we know why
'Cos Rio got high
Rio got high
Rio got high
la-la-la la la-la
Rio Ferdinand gets the support of the nation!

Timmy Howard
F**k Off
He plays in our net
F**k Off
Timmy Howard
F**k Off
He's got Tourette's
Man United

Bernt Haas
I've gone and Bernt my Haas
I've gone and Bernt my Haas
I've gone and Bernt my Haas
Bernt Haas...
West Brom's new song for new signing.

We were watching the Bill - What was the score in Seville?
Rangers Fans response to Celtic after UEFA Cup Final defeat.

Is that all she gets at home?
Is that all she gets at home?
Sung by the Chelsea fans to a male streaker at the 2003 away FA Cup tie V Shrewsbury.

ALEX RAE, ALEX RAE, ALEX, ALEX RAE,
HE'S GOT NO HAIR, BUT WE DON'T CARE,
ALEX ALEX RAE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wolves fans tribute to their midfielder.

Who the f**k is Steven Gerrard? who the f**k is Steven Gerrard? who the f**k is Steven Gerrard? as England go marching on, on, on!
England fans make a point to Effenberg after Gerrard's goal against Germany. Effenberg had said 'Who is he?' when asked about Gerrard before the game.
 
J

jackie4

Starting XI
What is the difference between a triangle and Partick Thistle?

A triangle knows what it's like to have 3 points!
 
R

rhizome17

Fan Favourite
Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Manchester United Directors - why spend three million 25m on a new 3 tier stand at Old Trafford?
Why not relocate and build a brand new stadium somewhere near London to reward your loyal lifelong supporters with a shorter journey home after matches.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10.
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is
0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?",

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum bastard. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting ****e, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said
"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,
"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the ****er with the door!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Three football fans, one from Liverpool, one from Celtic, and one from Manchester United are walking down the street when they come across the body of a dead naked woman.
As a mark of respect the Liverpool fan takes off his cap and places it over her left breast. The Celtic supporter follows suit and places his cap over her right breast, while the Manchester United fan places his cap over her "lower regions" before they decide to call the cops.
Shortly afterwards, a policeman arrives and inspects the body. Lifting the Liverpool cap first he looks breifly at her left breast, before lifting the Celtic cap to look at her right breast. Finally he lifts the Man Utd cap, but instead of glancing quickly he stares for about two minutes.
The policeman appeaers deep in thought and lifts the cap again, looking intently at the womans body for another couple of minutes.The men think this behaviour a little strange and ask the bobby why he had been staring at the body for so long.

"Its the damnedest thing," replies the policeman. "But thats the first time I've seen anything besides an arsehole under
a Man Utd cap."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.


Top