How to lose friends and alienate people

[Sir Calumn]

Crikey chaps here's a place for you all to tell your best stories about how you've accidently/on purpose offended and alienated large or small groups of people, the best and most bastardish things you've done, things that took a lot of grovelling or smoothing over or forced you to leave the country.

Here's a few quickies from my wealth of personal experience

- Making a girl cry in an informal class debate by twisting her words to make everyone think she is a raving racist

- Inviting a jewish girl who had relatives in aushwitz to your comedy performance then doing a good minute of holocaust material

- Roaching a guys passport

- Telling a girl who begs you to walk her home "Dont be silly, who'd want to rape you?"

- Telling the same girl her catwalk walk would be "good if she had the body for it"

- Insisting on nazi saluting every German you know/meet

- Putting your hand up to correct the lecturers latin even though it was a politics lecture, then being really arsey about it

- Telling people how dense they look

- Telling a stupid girl she looks very masculine and then proceeding to question her rigorously on how she ever got into this university

ETC ETC ETC

but tell yours and tell in more depth, if I remember some longer stories I will of course share them

Because there is no pleasure greater than that of being hated.

 

[1966+2006]

Well, this wasn't me but this girl kept trying to talk to my friend while he was playing Halo.
"Sooo, you do that English project, yet?"
"SHUT THE F*CK UP BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She cried all night.

 

[Run DMB]

Sir_Didier_Drogba

#4 is my personal favorite.

 

[Back Door Skip]

- Telling a girl who begs you to walk her home "Dont be silly, who'd want to rape you?"

HAHAHAHAHA! !!!

That's a topper.

I've not done anything that crazy. I'd just see friends come over and open the door just to close it on them. I was an angry teen.

 

[Johnny_Big]

^ ...

knoc knoc.
"Hi!"
"Hello!"
"Can I stay here?"
"Yeah!"
*closes door*

 

[theo]

meh all of these are school involved since that's the only place where I get randomly evil

- during class, you randomly take a soda and try giving it to someone on the other row, and when he/she got his/her hand on it, you start yelling "stop talking/annoying me/asking me" until the teacher hears it
- when in a bigger group, and a specific persons starts talking about something you just tell him to shut up and talk about the same thing (or something else) with the others, ignoring him (and telling him to shut up if he tries to take part too)
- when the teacher checks the class frequency (or whatever it's called.. you know, when they ask if a specific student from the register is present or not), convince all your friends to start laughing when a guy's name is heard. an alternative to that would be:
Teacher: John Doe
John Doe: present (whatever)
Random guy: who?
*hahahahahahaa*

a cruel one would be farting or spitting around and if the professor asks "guys, which one of you did that?" you or one of your friends would reply "it was *girl name*"

oh... a totally random one would be calling a random phone number at 3AM and doing this

"hi!"
"uh... hello"
"were you sleeping?"
"no, I was around (lie)"
"why the hell aren't you sleeping at 3 in the morning?"

or

"hi!"
"er... hello"
"sorry, were you sleeping"
"yeah..."
"oh, that's all I wanted to know, thanks"

 

[Zlatan]

At a friends party after 3 shots of whiskey and a few/alot of glasses of amoretto boasting to a girl, who's quite attractive and who is just becoming a friend, about how you never throw up when your drunk and a few moments later throw up over her Carlos*et/bag.

 

[Tom]

"Get your rat out Sam"

My mate Jonny to his girlfriend.

 

[treble41]

Not replying to their face book messages?

Omg, you're not my friend anymore.

It only took you 4 months to figure it out.

 

[ShiftyPowers]

At a friends party after 3 shots of whiskey and a few/alot of glasses of amoretto boasting to a girl, who's quite attractive and who is just becoming a friend, about how you never throw up when your drunk and a few moments later throw up over her Carlos*et/bag.

I've thrown up on a girl, and had a girl throw up on me. Luckily, when I got puked on, the girl's friend profusely apologized and gave me $30 to replace my hoodie which I just put in the washing machine.

 

[newbie original]

I call this move The Sharpshooter:
When buying a drink IN THE PRESENCE of someone else, ask for a straw. Move to the left of the person. Insert the straw into the drink and with your tongue move the straw to the right side of you mouth. Then, with your hands, move the bottle/can so as to align it, on the right side, with the straw(...you know....parallel to the straw). If they are standing to your right (as they must as per the instructions of this masterplan), turn your head to the left so that the straw is pointing towards them...kind of like a gun aimed at their teeth, with the bullets replaced by your drink when/if you choose to spit. Look to your left(away from them, they are on your right) and when they begin talking to you, with your head still pointing to the left, move your eyeballs over towards your right and look them straight in the eyes. Suck your drink in using your lips profusely. Repeat three times a week for maximum effectiveness.

---x---

Tell them that whatever it is that they are eating/drinking is bad for health.

---x---

Say "I guess I'll see you tomorrow" when infact you won't see them for 3 or 5 days.

---x---

When you enter an empty elevator and a friend is about 10 feet behind charging towards the elevator, press "Door Close" repeatedly and maintain a serious look on your face.

---x---

Don;t look people in the eyes when talking to them. Be distracted and look around as you talk to them...look at them, talk, then suddenly talk to a door for 2 seconds and look back. Blink a lot when talking to them....talk with the vocabulary of a high school kid and give some prototypical answers:

How did you spend your week off? Did you enjoy it?
I slept a lot and stuff. Yeah, I was like really bored!

This can make them very uncomfortable around you.

---x---

Use the word "like" a lot.
"I was like who are you like what makes you think people know you. Like I mean come on."

---x---

When you see them walking towards you (preferably in a group of 6 or more), walk away.

---x---

 

[treble41]

You have experience by that post. Or you could just try going all Sigur Ros NPR Interview on them. I tend to do that cos I dun wanna be mean and such.

 

[Tom]

To girlfriend:

"You look nice"

Nice is the worst word ever made.

 

[Callum]

The word normal is the worst word.

 

[newbie original]

When on a packed bus, make your way towards the exit by pushing people aside without saying "Excuse me".

---x---

I call this one The Stinger Splash:
If you need some space on a crowded (and hence noisy) bus:[Since it is crowded and noisy, there's a damn good chance that the people who hear you do what you are about to do will be the intended targets. In my case, I don;t care because I have no shame.] Note, you must be standing and one of the 2 victims involved must be a "friend". The odds are that, on such a bus, TWO people should be facing you even if they're "not" looking at you.

Look left, look right...swing your head over to each side, hard. After about 5 swings in each direction, with a deep voice(not too loudly, just loud enough for those 2 people to hear you) start saying the following sequence:

"Genghis" ... look left to the victim
"Khan" ... look right to your friend

"Genghis" ... look left
"Khan" ... look right

"Genghis" ... look left
"Khan" ... look right

Gradually pick up the frequency of neck swings in either direction and the volume of you voice. Repeat 12 times. To end, say "Khan" to your friend and swing your head over to the right, make a mouse face (you know the kind of mouse face you would make to a baby to make it laugh, where you stick out your lips) and say (same deep voice you used at the beginning of the sequence):

"Temujin"

Then go back to making the mouse face to the victim for a few more seconds.

Note: I have only tried it when I was standing close to the exit and the bus was about two stops away from mine. Presumably even I would get uncomfortable facing that person for 30 minutes (standing close to each other on busy bus, remember) after saying that to him/her. I got the necessary breathing room for the two odd minutes(IN HEAVY TRAFFIC on a rainy night) for me and my winter Carlos*et to avoid sweating and was able to easily approach the exit without saying "Excuse me". Reaction from my friend(actually "a girlfriend of a friend" who unfortunately, for her, somehow got stuck on the same route as me)

"Ew...what a freak."

 

[Funky--K]

when I was 17, my girlfriend broke up with me when I was wasted at a party at my friend's place...

then i asked her if we were still ******* that night, or if I could go and try to find other chick

hasn't spoken to me since...

 

[Johnny_Big]

It's still better than saying:

"You look...errrrrr...nice"

The errrr is the thing that finally ruins the thing.

 

[King]

Its very easy! Just grab your friend's ass, tightly! You will get slapped or he/she will grab your cock!

 

[newbie original]

You have experience by that post. Or you could just try going all Sigur Ros NPR Interview on them. I tend to do that cos I dun wanna be mean and such.

I have no shame and want to be mean. I very much intend to offend all my victims.

 

[didy]

- Insisting on nazi saluting every German you know/meet

Teacher: John Doe
John Doe: present (whatever)
Random guy: who?
*hahahahahahaa*

I remember doing this one in high school.