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The 2014 World Cup Thread - Football, Favelas and Financial Turmoil
- Thread starter Filipower
- Start date
MaSsiVe;3687631 said:
gotta love the interviewer insisting on her singing the national anthem, just to make it last a little longer ...
hah, recycled joke from 2010, but still funny:Back Door Skip;3687671 said:
link
ShiftyPowers
Make America Great Again
Xifio;3687722 said:
That was a James Richardson original.
ShiftyPowers
Make America Great Again
The Onion did a preview of the 11 teams to watch at this world cup
BRAZIL
Strength: As host country, team will play in the stadium least likely to collapse at any moment
Weaknesses: Only qualified for World Cup through back door as tournament hosts; Nation will probably fall into total anarchy regardless of team’s performance
Roster: Contains a record seven “Next Pele”s
World Cup History: Has never advanced past championship match in seven tries
Official Team Suffix: “-inho”
THE NETHERLANDS
Strength: Spent past two years perfecting the hell out of heel kicks
Weakness: Wooden clogs slow players down considerably during matches
Preferred Grass Height: Between 51.436mm and 51.438mm
Nickname Of Somebody On Team, Probably: Flying Dutchman
Fun Fact: Media pronunciation guide for players’ names over 3,000 pages in length
GERMANY
Strength: Winning balls in the air by parachuting into stadium
Weakness: Crippling fear of disappointing Angela Merkel
Manager: German guy, but different German guy from U.S. coach
Number Of Umlauts On Roster: 47
Biggest Advantage: Drawn in pretty easy World Cup group
Team Nickname: The German International Soccer Team
SPAIN
Strengths: Confidence still high after beating Belarus 2-1 during World Cup qualifying last year; Automatically awarded goal if they reach 20 consecutive passes without losing ball
Weakness: Players still living with shame of nation losing Franco-Spanish War in 1659
Conjugation: yo Españo; tú Españas; él/ella España; nosotros Españamos; vosotros Españáis; ellos/ellas Españan
Average Age Of Team: Sum of every player’s age divided by number of players on roster
Game Plan: Fly out to Brazil, wing it
Fun Fact: 23-man team currently country’s biggest employer
ENGLAND
Strength: Have fought wars in or against most of these other countries
Weakness: Insists on “Wourld Cup” spelling
Style Of Play: Genteel counterattacking
David Beckham: Nope
Scapegoat: Wayne Rooney
Most Famous Fan Chant: “En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-land, Just Do Your Best Out There, It’s Only A Game”
FRANCE
Strengths: Great individual chemistry on roster; New crop of promising young talent finally ready to implode on international stage
Weakness: Lacks veteran player capable of delivering headbutts in clutch situations
Roster: 23 assholes
Formation: Whatever feels right
Players You’ll Remember After World Cup: None whatsoever
Target: To finish tournament without embarrassing entire country this time
GHANA
Strength: Matches up well against wide variety of U.S. teams
Weakness: Crippling survivor’s guilt during knockout stages
Offensive Style: You know, just kick the ball and hope for the best
Every Player’s Backstory: Inspiring
Target: To get some good pictures of giant Jesus statue
ARGENTINA
Strengths: Has a player you’ve heard of; Impeccable teamwork while crowding ref to complain about call
Weakness: Not a single player on team has ascended to professional ranks of MLS
Lionel: Messi
Major Rivals: Brazil; England; Duke
Trademark Goal Celebration: Jumping on top of one another while freaking the fuck out
Memorable World Cup Moment: In 1986 God attempts to kill Diego Maradona, only to miss and send the ball into England’s goal
UNITED STATES
Strength: Ability to return to United States after tournament concludes
Weaknesses: Used to playing in the Northern Hemisphere where balls spin in opposite direction; Only four players on team can speak fluent English
Biggest Advantage: Playing for fans who won’t murder them if they lose
Embarrassing Secret: Have actually been playing this sport for a while now
Playing Style: Losing
FIFA World Ranking: 14
Actual World Ranking: 37
ITALY
Strengths: All the non-playing aspects of soccer; Incredibly disciplined defenders remain in position for up to 24 hours after match
Weakness: Everyone on team too scared to stand in wall while defending free kicks
Also Known As: The blue team
Boring As Fuck: Yup
Gesturing Style: Animated
Biggest Inspiration: Seeing fans light flares in stands
PORTUGAL
Strength: Painted-on uniforms allow players to run freely without being hindered by shirts or shorts
Weakness: Paltry bribery war chest
Starting XI: Ronaldo, 10 other guys
Biggest Advantage: Fluency in Portuguese allows players to more easily get around Brazil
World Cup Preparation: Entire team has been practicing writhing on ground in pain for months leading up to tournament
BRAZIL
Strength: As host country, team will play in the stadium least likely to collapse at any moment
Weaknesses: Only qualified for World Cup through back door as tournament hosts; Nation will probably fall into total anarchy regardless of team’s performance
Roster: Contains a record seven “Next Pele”s
World Cup History: Has never advanced past championship match in seven tries
Official Team Suffix: “-inho”
THE NETHERLANDS
Strength: Spent past two years perfecting the hell out of heel kicks
Weakness: Wooden clogs slow players down considerably during matches
Preferred Grass Height: Between 51.436mm and 51.438mm
Nickname Of Somebody On Team, Probably: Flying Dutchman
Fun Fact: Media pronunciation guide for players’ names over 3,000 pages in length
GERMANY
Strength: Winning balls in the air by parachuting into stadium
Weakness: Crippling fear of disappointing Angela Merkel
Manager: German guy, but different German guy from U.S. coach
Number Of Umlauts On Roster: 47
Biggest Advantage: Drawn in pretty easy World Cup group
Team Nickname: The German International Soccer Team
SPAIN
Strengths: Confidence still high after beating Belarus 2-1 during World Cup qualifying last year; Automatically awarded goal if they reach 20 consecutive passes without losing ball
Weakness: Players still living with shame of nation losing Franco-Spanish War in 1659
Conjugation: yo Españo; tú Españas; él/ella España; nosotros Españamos; vosotros Españáis; ellos/ellas Españan
Average Age Of Team: Sum of every player’s age divided by number of players on roster
Game Plan: Fly out to Brazil, wing it
Fun Fact: 23-man team currently country’s biggest employer
ENGLAND
Strength: Have fought wars in or against most of these other countries
Weakness: Insists on “Wourld Cup” spelling
Style Of Play: Genteel counterattacking
David Beckham: Nope
Scapegoat: Wayne Rooney
Most Famous Fan Chant: “En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-land, Just Do Your Best Out There, It’s Only A Game”
FRANCE
Strengths: Great individual chemistry on roster; New crop of promising young talent finally ready to implode on international stage
Weakness: Lacks veteran player capable of delivering headbutts in clutch situations
Roster: 23 assholes
Formation: Whatever feels right
Players You’ll Remember After World Cup: None whatsoever
Target: To finish tournament without embarrassing entire country this time
GHANA
Strength: Matches up well against wide variety of U.S. teams
Weakness: Crippling survivor’s guilt during knockout stages
Offensive Style: You know, just kick the ball and hope for the best
Every Player’s Backstory: Inspiring
Target: To get some good pictures of giant Jesus statue
ARGENTINA
Strengths: Has a player you’ve heard of; Impeccable teamwork while crowding ref to complain about call
Weakness: Not a single player on team has ascended to professional ranks of MLS
Lionel: Messi
Major Rivals: Brazil; England; Duke
Trademark Goal Celebration: Jumping on top of one another while freaking the fuck out
Memorable World Cup Moment: In 1986 God attempts to kill Diego Maradona, only to miss and send the ball into England’s goal
UNITED STATES
Strength: Ability to return to United States after tournament concludes
Weaknesses: Used to playing in the Northern Hemisphere where balls spin in opposite direction; Only four players on team can speak fluent English
Biggest Advantage: Playing for fans who won’t murder them if they lose
Embarrassing Secret: Have actually been playing this sport for a while now
Playing Style: Losing
FIFA World Ranking: 14
Actual World Ranking: 37
ITALY
Strengths: All the non-playing aspects of soccer; Incredibly disciplined defenders remain in position for up to 24 hours after match
Weakness: Everyone on team too scared to stand in wall while defending free kicks
Also Known As: The blue team
Boring As Fuck: Yup
Gesturing Style: Animated
Biggest Inspiration: Seeing fans light flares in stands
PORTUGAL
Strength: Painted-on uniforms allow players to run freely without being hindered by shirts or shorts
Weakness: Paltry bribery war chest
Starting XI: Ronaldo, 10 other guys
Biggest Advantage: Fluency in Portuguese allows players to more easily get around Brazil
World Cup Preparation: Entire team has been practicing writhing on ground in pain for months leading up to tournament
Jaboldinho
Fan Favourite
Damn that Onion thing was gold.
