Things you REALLY shouldnt have said

[Sir Calumn]

Righto everybody I cant be bothered to read all the threads there have been so many new ones and new replies so someone please point out the good ones, thanks.

Anyway, I have a gig Thursday night and it's going alright, they're tolerating my terrorism and paedo stuff, when I did a joke about Madeline McCann and suddenly the whole thing turned sour.... all I said was something about not caring about her and not wanting to see pictures of her everywhere because she didnt even have any tits yet.... what's so wrong with that? I dont get why some things are so offensive and some things arent.

One gig I said paedophilia and necrophilia should be legalised and all was good, yet I did one little rape joke and bang... the atmosphere just went.

Anyway here is an action photograph

http://www.lionsdencomedy.co.uk/photos/6/Sir Didier*Hamilton.jpg

What I want to know is a) why do some things piss people off so much more than others and b) what really ill thought through things have you said that have really killed the conversation/room?

I once told a woman in a restaurant that she was too heavily pregnant to be working, turned out she was just fat, ouch! I hate to think what she did to my food.

Also once I was talking to some people about politics and I thought I had sussed what they would and wouldnt take offense to and I thought I could get away with a sex joke so I said "How can you say Bill Clinton was smart - he got a blowjob off a jew and thought he wouldnt have to pay for it*?" completely forgetting that there was a racist element to that as well and they really took offense to that.

*copyright Bill Maher 2003

My life is just an everlasting chain of awkward moments strung together by telling people about my awkward moments.

 

[ShearerM4]

I can see why people would take offence to Madeline McCann material to be honest, pretty sure I would not have laughed at that.

I consider myself to be one of those people who do believe you should be able to laugh at anything.It's all okay or none of it is but as silly as it may sound, there is a prescription time to respect, that being an ongoing current event probably shocked a lot of people, parents especially.

"How can you say Bill Clinton was smart - he got a blowjob off a jew and thought he wouldnt have to pay for it*?"

*copyright Bill Maher 2003

You sure? i've heard/seen made by Larry David in the Curb test special for HBO, before season one even started, so it must have been 2001 or 2002

 

[::shinji::]

On the subject of awkward moments:

I once dated this girl many years ago and the first time I was invited to her house to meet her family, they had this family bar-b-que type function with several relatives, cousins, close friends, etc, etc..

Anyhow, things were going well until I made the mistake of offering her father (who seemed a bit odd, I must say) a beer. I was never told, but apparently he was a recovering hardcore alcoholic who basically terrorized the entire family for years! hahaha!

You know in movies when something inappropriate is said and you hear the record scratch followed by silence? I swear it was just like that, exept the silence was followed by the girl I was dating and her mother giving me crap and how I almost ruined his recovery, etc.. I dunno, but when I handed the old boy that frosty beer can I swear his eyes got quite a gleam and he may have even drooled a little!

 

[Hyun]

haha above

I have one. I was in literature class and the conversation was about crime and punishment. we were talking about delusional people, and the topic shifted to "different bullsh*t ways of the psychological perspective." of course with psychopoo talk, one's always bound to bring up sigmund freud, and this one kid did, and i quote: "sigmund freud was cool, he was a crack addict." being an AP psychological student I intervened to correct him, but I guess my subconscious took over because not only did I correct and say that freud was a cocaine user but also said that only black people do crack (you know, how white people can afford to do x and black people play with crack rock?)

the class went dead silent, but my teacher actually defended/covered up for me pretty quickly for me to avoid getting lynched. it's true though, black people can't afford x (or are too cheap to get it).

 

[King]

Man some of this customers in the bank......Can't really figure out if they are male or female. So i call females "Hello Sir" and than I apologize saying that its just my reflexes cause i say it all day. Than after they leave i tell myself, "Wow! What an ugly bitch like that transversite, Madonna!"

 

[MaestroZidane]

^^ haha I truly hear you King.

When I used to work as a sales associate this Transvesty walked in and I had to approach him/her. Not knowing how to approach I just when with my instinct and said "hello sir" . Wow you should have heard his reaction. afterward I just laught it off with the guys in the bar.

 

[rony31]

it's because of your hair, Sir_Didier_Drogba. get a ******* haircut you hippie

 

[$teauA]

Man some of this customers in the bank......Can't really figure out if they are male or female. So i call females "Hello Sir" and than I apologize saying that its just my reflexes cause i say it all day. Than after they leave i tell myself, "Wow! What an ugly bitch like that transversite, Madonna!"

haha i do that s*it all the time with customers, except i don't apologize i just tell them to stop dressing like men.

 

[Bobby]

I once told a woman in a restaurant that she was too heavily pregnant to be working, turned out she was just fat, ouch!

Oh I've done this on several occasions.

 

[Tom]

Remember when Billy Connolly famously raised the issue of "Ken Bigley" about three years ago Sir_Didier_Drogba? His entire audience turned on him.

Some subjects are just too recent, rather than too taboo.

 

[Mandieta6]

People won't find things funny if they think that you're making fun of them, their idols, or beliefs in any way. I mean, even if you tell the bets joke in the world about crazy christians, Jesus Camp won't be laughing. I don't remember who said it, but it was a stand-up comic of the 80's I think who said that he would prepared jokes about as many things as possible and watch the people who come in, and leave certain jokes out if it would offend the majority, he never did the same act twice.

Anyways, the one time I really killed the atmosphere was in my cousin's wedding, it was this sort of after-party, and they decided to go around the tables and entertain the newlyweds. Fair enough, their night. So, there was this old poem about Romanians which we would always recite and laugh ourselves silly. It's one of those stupid jokes that aren't really funny, but it's just a tradition to tell them.

So, it's my turn, and I stand up, look him in the face and start telling it, expecting him to join, he doesn't. Everything goes silent, me, thinking that people are just interested, kept on. When I finish, no one laughs, not even him, and my brother, with surpressed glee, pulls me down. Suddenly, the bride's brother stands up, looks around and says 'On behalf of all our Romanian relatives, I'd like to say I found that entertaining.'

It might not sound bad now, but believe me, that day is still the reason that we're not invited to family reunions. Some people are just uptight, I guess.

 

[Sir Calumn]

On the subject of awkward moments:

I once dated this girl many years ago and the first time I was invited to her house to meet her family, they had this family bar-b-que type function with several relatives, cousins, close friends, etc, etc..

Anyhow, things were going well until I made the mistake of offering her father (who seemed a bit odd, I must say) a beer. I was never told, but apparently he was a recovering hardcore alcoholic who basically terrorized the entire family for years! hahaha!

You know in movies when something inappropriate is said and you hear the record scratch followed by silence? I swear it was just like that, exept the silence was followed by the girl I was dating and her mother giving me crap and how I almost ruined his recovery, etc.. I dunno, but when I handed the old boy that frosty beer can I swear his eyes got quite a gleam and he may have even drooled a little!

Haha that's a good one...

I have had some awkward moments with friends parents, most notably a friend of mine from the UAE. We used to have this thing were we'd say outrageously racist things to each other for comedy value but once I started doing it infront of his family, not realising that they would obviously take it seriously. Luckily he jumped on board so major crisis was averted but I still think they hate me.

 

[Sir Calumn]

Man some of this customers in the bank......Can't really figure out if they are male or female. So i call females "Hello Sir" and than I apologize saying that its just my reflexes cause i say it all day. Than after they leave i tell myself, "Wow! What an ugly bitch like that transversite, Madonna!"

Oh man, king holds down a regular and fairly respectable job! I want to here more about this bank.

 

[Sir Calumn]

Remember when Billy Connolly famously raised the issue of "Ken Bigley" about three years ago Sir_Didier_Drogba? His entire audience turned on him.

Some subjects are just too recent, rather than too taboo.

To be fair what I was coming out with wasnt particularly funny, but it was just amazing how you could feel the room change.

Anyway there is no better feeling on stage as seeing an entire audience turn to hatred and disgust. I was doing a West End gig in front of a small, really high brow crowd a couple of weeks ago - I was near the end of the bill and they had just refused to laugh or show any form of reaction to any of the jokes by the people before me, some of whom were really top notch, and really didnt go for my first three minutes though I got some mild giggles, so I just launched into the most filthy, depraved Aristocrats joke I could think of - 3 minutes of making sickening comments to a complete stonewall, with the other comedians pissing themselves in the background. Believe it or not that is more fun for me than going down well, though I'll never be invited back to that venue.

 

[CarlosDanger]

One of the worst for me was when this co-worker/firend really had the hots for me. But since I had made a play for her earlier that year, and she had been unreceptive, I figured what the hell, and just looked on her as a friend (with occasional drunken attempts of course )

One night we went to put on a show in a town about 4 hours from Cancun (Merida is the name of this place) and we ended up staying overnight there to party since we had the next day off. We also had another hot girl there with us who worked with us and was best friends with the first one (I worked with hot dancers on a resort )
So anyway, after several beverages I decide to make a play for the second chick by telling the first one I had the hots for her friend (which turned out to be a huge mistake, since she was actually wanting me to make a play for her that night) and I ended up with neither.

As a consolation, I did end up having a 3-day sex binge with her a year or so later, and we are still friends

 

[ShearerM4]

^ pfff that's not really awkward! Just any excuse to tell that story I bet

 

[Thelonious]

To be fair what I was coming out with wasnt particularly funny, but it was just amazing how you could feel the room change.

Anyway there is no better feeling on stage as seeing an entire audience turn to hatred and disgust. I was doing a West End gig in front of a small, really high brow crowd a couple of weeks ago - I was near the end of the bill and they had just refused to laugh or show any form of reaction to any of the jokes by the people before me, some of whom were really top notch, and really didnt go for my first three minutes though I got some mild giggles, so I just launched into the most filthy, depraved Aristocrats joke I could think of - 3 minutes of making sickening comments to a complete stonewall, with the other comedians pissing themselves in the background. Believe it or not that is more fun for me than going down well, though I'll never be invited back to that venue.

You need to video that, I'd love to have seen their reaction

 

[CarlosDanger]

^ pfff that's not really awkward! Just any excuse to tell that story I bet

Well it was awkward at the time The look on her face was classic. (Good thing she was pretty plastered too)

Plus I missed out on some prime-time poon for being an idiot!

Thus, I really shouldn't have said anything!

 

[Sir Calumn]

You need to video that, I'd love to have seen their reaction

I may well have a video to post soon of me playing a club in Nottingham which was advertised as only wanting "dark" and "edgy" comics, and as I hate clubs which have that sort of ego and superciliousness I decided to go really, really over board. At one point I am just giving instructions of the best way to commit rape, no punchlines or anything, but of course they lapped it up because they wanted to feel like "outlaws". Anyway, someone videoed it and has promised to send me a copy so if it shows I will post it.

 

[Run DMB]

My dad once made a joke involving child prostitution in front of an elderly, church-going, conservative Christian couple.

Beat that.