goal_machine84
Senior Squad
i dont wanna poo on a plane...didnt have the best experience 
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pooing on foreign territory (sponsered by fc infesta)
- Thread starter AberdeenFC
- Start date
AlienSeafood
Senior Squad
goal_machine84 said:i dont wanna poo on a plane...didnt have the best experience
hmm...either ur ass got sucked or while pooping their was a sudden turbulance...and u know the rest...
goal_machine84
Senior Squad
Go to page 12 of this thread for the details...plus i was on 22 hour plane ride and the most unhealthy food u will ever eat was being served 
...
God damn i hate Air India
...God damn i hate Air India
Oh man, I love ****ting in Russia, when I was in St. Petersburg few weeks ago, I had this light diarrhea...So I was walking down the street towards our hostel with my 2 friends, it was getting pretty late (around 11 pm) and I felt that I HAD to go, again. So I saw these 3 blue public toilets, it cost me 10 rubles ( 
), so I payed the geront sitting next to the toilets and went in. As I sat on the hole-kind-of-a-thingie I almost felt the crap-pile against my ass...I tried to ignore it and do my thing. After around 5 minutes of sore asshole and major splash-backs, I heard this scrabbleling noise behind the door, I thought that someone was trying to get in as s/he didn't know the toilet was occupied or something so I ingored it. After another 5 minutes I was finally done, wiped my ass and stood up. When I tried to open the door...it was closed, the old fart forgot that I was in there and decided to call it a day. As the smell got deeper into my nose, the panic also grew. I started yelling for my friends to help me, for some odd reason they found it funny as ****! Thankfuly they saw the toilet-keeper talking to another old fart not far away and they went to tell her that she locked me up. So she unlocked me and grumbled something in russian which I didn't understand, to what I replied with "idi na hui", just in case.
), so I payed the geront sitting next to the toilets and went in. As I sat on the hole-kind-of-a-thingie I almost felt the crap-pile against my ass...I tried to ignore it and do my thing. After around 5 minutes of sore asshole and major splash-backs, I heard this scrabbleling noise behind the door, I thought that someone was trying to get in as s/he didn't know the toilet was occupied or something so I ingored it. After another 5 minutes I was finally done, wiped my ass and stood up. When I tried to open the door...it was closed, the old fart forgot that I was in there and decided to call it a day. As the smell got deeper into my nose, the panic also grew. I started yelling for my friends to help me, for some odd reason they found it funny as ****! Thankfuly they saw the toilet-keeper talking to another old fart not far away and they went to tell her that she locked me up. So she unlocked me and grumbled something in russian which I didn't understand, to what I replied with "idi na hui", just in case.I'm not a fan of digging up old threads, but this is a classic one and must be revived. I also had a bit of an experience tonight down the pub.
I had eaten 2 Scotch Pies at the football earlier. They were so greasy that when I took bites out of them all the grease that poured out made a puddle that looked awfully similar to piss! It was very strange when you consider that the outside of the pies looked like they had been cremated.
A few hours and a woeful performance later and I sit down to my fourth Guinness of the evening. The intestinal alarm bells start ringing. Something is afoot. The turd is hammering on my sphincter's doors harder than a Glasgow loan shark. I make my way to the toilets, which I wouldn't exactly describe as palatial, but they'll do. However, I discover that the cubicle door is locked. That feeling of pure frustration when you're dying on a crap and the only toilet available is engaged... man, a government health warning should come with it.
I pace around anxiously for a couple of minutes. The guy in the cubicle vacates. I manouvre into position.
It is only after I dropped my keks, made the necessary toilet paper checks and adopted the Russian Squat position did I realise I was not merely excreting a poo but rather giving birth to a dead weasel. The stretch on my anus was so severe I had to hold onto the toilet pan with one hand and squeeze the toilet paper roll in order to relieve some of the stress! After the ordeal was over I wiped and bore witness to the biggest, blackest Guinness/Grease sh*t I have created in years. The length of it came back above the water level!
I had eaten 2 Scotch Pies at the football earlier. They were so greasy that when I took bites out of them all the grease that poured out made a puddle that looked awfully similar to piss! It was very strange when you consider that the outside of the pies looked like they had been cremated.
A few hours and a woeful performance later and I sit down to my fourth Guinness of the evening. The intestinal alarm bells start ringing. Something is afoot. The turd is hammering on my sphincter's doors harder than a Glasgow loan shark. I make my way to the toilets, which I wouldn't exactly describe as palatial, but they'll do. However, I discover that the cubicle door is locked. That feeling of pure frustration when you're dying on a crap and the only toilet available is engaged... man, a government health warning should come with it.
I pace around anxiously for a couple of minutes. The guy in the cubicle vacates. I manouvre into position.
It is only after I dropped my keks, made the necessary toilet paper checks and adopted the Russian Squat position did I realise I was not merely excreting a poo but rather giving birth to a dead weasel. The stretch on my anus was so severe I had to hold onto the toilet pan with one hand and squeeze the toilet paper roll in order to relieve some of the stress! After the ordeal was over I wiped and bore witness to the biggest, blackest Guinness/Grease sh*t I have created in years. The length of it came back above the water level!
ShiftyPowers
Make America Great Again
I completely regret not posting this story in the thread when it happened. This was probably in early January of 2007. I go over to my girlfriend's house (now ex-girlfriend) and we had probably been dating for 3 months. I definitely was not in a position to drop a deuce in her parents house, so I have to hold it in knowing that we were going to a bar later in the night. So I'm holding it in for dinner and after dinner and all I can think about is "I just hope this doesn't become an emergency." So eventually we get into the car and she starts driving downtown to a bar to meet up with people, but right when we leave her parents house she gets a call from one of her friends who wants to come out with us. We pick up this first friend, and then the emergency starts. I'm sitting in this car, and I can NOT hold it any longer. Then she gets phone calls from two other friends who we have to drive another 30 minutes to pick up before we can get to the bar. I'm sitting in the passenger seat, not saying a word, clenching my teeth, just trying to avoid ****ting my pants in my girlfriend and her best friends' presence. So we finally get downtown and she parks in a parking lot across the street from the bar we were going to, and I just can NOT hold it any longer. I sprint to the bar, and while I'm running start to say "I'm gonna make sure my friends are still here" which trails off as I sprint away. I hand the bouncer my ID, and once I get in I make a B-line to the back for the bathroom. I probably have 60 seconds max at this point before crapping my pants in front of my girlfriend, her best friends, and my best friends who are also at this bar. I walk into the bathroom, get into the stall (probably 10 seconds away from ****ting regardless of where I am) and realize that there's no door on the bathroom stall. Well I just didn't have any time to correct my mistake and go upstairs, so I pull down my pants, quickly put down a toilet paper seat cover to protect from herpes, and **** in a doorless stall of a crowded bar. Guys are coming in and out of the bathroom when this is happening, and I'm just cracking jokes, since there's really nothing else I can say.
So I tell my friend Josh about what just happened and he tells my girlfriend at the time about what happened. She thinks it's HILARIOUS and tells her whole family. So next time I go over to her house her little brother makes fun of me and is just like "why wouldn't you just crap at our house?" And obviously I'm just like "dude, haven't you seen Dumb and Dumber? That's NOT happening." He laughed, but obviously everyone understood.
I can't believe I took a **** in a busy public bar bathroom without a door on the stall. But I totally did.
So I tell my friend Josh about what just happened and he tells my girlfriend at the time about what happened. She thinks it's HILARIOUS and tells her whole family. So next time I go over to her house her little brother makes fun of me and is just like "why wouldn't you just crap at our house?" And obviously I'm just like "dude, haven't you seen Dumb and Dumber? That's NOT happening." He laughed, but obviously everyone understood.
I can't believe I took a **** in a busy public bar bathroom without a door on the stall. But I totally did.
Hopeunited
Starting XI
Haha, some very vivid anecdotes here. Makes for a good lunchtime read.
S
Sir Calumn
Guest
Today I was at a friends flat and we ordered some pizza and when the delivery person came I paid with a £20 note and she didnt have enough change, she was only £1 short and obviously expected me to say keep it but I made her knock on doors and ask people for change and eventually go all the way back out to her car and get £1 from her own purse in order to give me the exact change...... and it doesnt matter if they spit on all future deliveries to that address as I dont even live there...... ladies and gentlemen I give you jewing on foreign territory (sponsered by fc Mandieta6)
Sir Sir_Didier_Drogba;2450434 said:
Actually, if the pizza delivery service did one of those "we'll deliver within 30 minutes or your pizza is free" deals and the time it took her to get the change went over the half hour, you should demand the pizza for free and your £20 back.
Disappointed man, would have thought you'd have picked up on our miserly ways.
Sir Sir_Didier_Drogba;2450434 said:
Ha ha hah ha
Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha
Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha Ha ha hah ha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was too good.
