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JOKES!! Post them here!
- Thread starter b-ytter
- Start date
A man decides to have a party and invites loads of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion"
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
Gradually the rest of the guests arrive and the party is just getting going when there is another knock on the door. The host goes to open it and is shocked to see two guys standing stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out there. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies,"Well, I'm ******* dis custard and my friend here has come in dis pear!"
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Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."
My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."
He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."
The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
Gradually the rest of the guests arrive and the party is just getting going when there is another knock on the door. The host goes to open it and is shocked to see two guys standing stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out there. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies,"Well, I'm ******* dis custard and my friend here has come in dis pear!"
--------------------------------------
Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."
My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."
He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."
The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"
two guys are sitting in a bar, and an old man walks in and starts drinking.......
after several rounds the old man turns to one of the guys and says
"Hey youuu(slobbering)....I know you....yesterday I f*cked your mother....."
the guy looks at him and realizes he's drunk so he doesn't make anything of the comment. BUT the old man continues
"Heeeey.....Yooooouu....I'm talking to you.....I stuck it in her *ss....and she liked it......"
At this point the guy gets a little aggrevated looks at the old man but feels sorry for him, so he does nothing........BUT the old man continues...........
"Heeeey thaasst s right...and after she bl*w me....."
The guy is furious now he turns to the old man and screams.......
"OK DAD I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WE'RE GOING HOME"
after several rounds the old man turns to one of the guys and says
"Hey youuu(slobbering)....I know you....yesterday I f*cked your mother....."
the guy looks at him and realizes he's drunk so he doesn't make anything of the comment. BUT the old man continues
"Heeeey.....Yooooouu....I'm talking to you.....I stuck it in her *ss....and she liked it......"
At this point the guy gets a little aggrevated looks at the old man but feels sorry for him, so he does nothing........BUT the old man continues...........
"Heeeey thaasst s right...and after she bl*w me....."
The guy is furious now he turns to the old man and screams.......
"OK DAD I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WE'RE GOING HOME"
A kid walked into the bathroom and saw his mother taking a shower. He said to her "Whats that big black thing mummy" And she said "Thats my garage"
The next day he walked into the bathroom and his Dad was in the shower he said "Daddy whats that big long thing" And his dad said "Thats my Jaguar"
That night the kid was in his mum and dads bed in between the two. His dad said "Move over son i want to park my Jaguar in your mums garage" The kid then said "You're too late i've already parked my Mini in there.
Couple more:
A man walked into a bar and said Ouch
A magic tractor went down the road and turned into a field.
What do u call a woman with 1 leg? Answer: Eileen
A man got knocked down by a mobile library, and he was lying in the road screaming, and the driver got out and said schhhh
I brought a pack of sausages and on the packet the was a picture of Antony Warral Tompson and it said "Prick with a fork"
The next day he walked into the bathroom and his Dad was in the shower he said "Daddy whats that big long thing" And his dad said "Thats my Jaguar"
That night the kid was in his mum and dads bed in between the two. His dad said "Move over son i want to park my Jaguar in your mums garage" The kid then said "You're too late i've already parked my Mini in there.
Couple more:
A man walked into a bar and said Ouch
A magic tractor went down the road and turned into a field.
What do u call a woman with 1 leg? Answer: Eileen
A man got knocked down by a mobile library, and he was lying in the road screaming, and the driver got out and said schhhh
I brought a pack of sausages and on the packet the was a picture of Antony Warral Tompson and it said "Prick with a fork"
Thelonious
Senior Squad
Good Ones
*********************
I love this one
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around!'"
:funny: here is a good one
True Football Fan
Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."
"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.
He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."
True Football Fan
Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."
"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.
He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."
Intelligent Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a Carlos*ass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Shifty Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this Carlos in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a Carlos*ass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Shifty Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this Carlos in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush
few more
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
deporter316
Youth Team
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?"
ha ha ha ha.
this ones pretty old....
A man, an ostrich, and a cat
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy
this ones pretty old....
A man, an ostrich, and a cat
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy
Rochester Rhino
Manager
never heard it before, very funny
