A moral question

[jschuck12001]

It's not jealousy, it's just that when you agree to go into a relationship with somebody you basically agree to be faithful. You can deny it all you want, but a romantic relationship brings responsibilities. It's true that this is based on morals created by human beings, but these morals are the very thing that make a relationship. We could be like animals and reproduce with everyone we meet, but civilization has gotten us to a point where you are expected to be faithful to your partner. If you can't be faithful, you shouldn't be in that relation in the first place and therefore make an end to it. If you're in a point in your life where you just want to go out and have sex with all kinds of girls, you shouldn't be in a relationship you should just be single. Being in a relationship with one girl, while you want to have sex with all kinds of girls can actually form a restraint than. Ending the relationship could than provide a lot of freedom and relieve to both parties. She, because she isn't cheated on anymore, and he, because he can do what he wants to do at this point of his life. Again I say this only on basis of personal experience and the information provided.

I think you nailed it! Any of us who have been Mr A or know a Mr A are well aware Mr A doesn't want to be with this girl so why put yourself through this hidden 2nd life he leads. He definitely cant tell her because anyone here who has been through this knows that even if she stays with him she will never trust him again and they will either break up or stay together and be miserable. I don't know how long he has been with this girl as it just says " a long time". A long time could be a year if you make the wrong decision or it could be 6 years like Alex. Any way you look at it an addictive personality is not a good ingredient for a long term relationship.

 

[ShiftyPowers]

I suppose I'm projecting a lot from situations that I have seen personally and not the information given. Obviously I'd be furious if my long time girlfriend was shamelessly cheating on me.

 

[Alex]

I think you nailed it! Any of us who have been Mr A or know a Mr A are well aware Mr A doesn't want to be with this girl so why put yourself through this hidden 2nd life he leads. He definitely cant tell her because anyone here who has been through this knows that even if she stays with him she will never trust him again and they will either break up or stay together and be miserable. I don't know how long he has been with this girl as it just says " a long time". A long time could be a year if you make the wrong decision or it could be 6 years like Alex. Any way you look at it an addictive personality is not a good ingredient for a long term relationship.

Again, disagree - at least in part. If Mr A really didn't want to be with the GF, why go to the effort of covering up. There are guys who are in relationships they're not happy in, that go and get caught doing this sort of thing (sub consciously) on purpose. If this guy has been in the relationship a long time, I don't think he is one of the people.

Zlatan, I also disagree regarding breaking up frees the girl. As mentioned, if this girl is unaware, she could be perfectly happy as things are. And as I think Shifty mentioned, this could often end up making the guy much happier when he is around her. There are loads of studies on how non-monogamous relationships seem to be healthier long term than monogamous ones. Obviously the key difference here is that she doesn't know. But whilst that is the case it can't affect her.

 

[Sir Calumn]

As for common groups of friends, etc leading to the GF finding out, of this guy has been cheating as Sir_Didier_Drogba says he is, and hasn't yet been caught, I imagine he is keeping it to flings outside of his social circle. Sir_Didier_Drogba, what city is this guy in? If it's a small city, I can see there would be much bigger danger on being found out. But I know of friends of mine, in Sydney, who have had random hookups etc on night's out with mates, and the chances of their gf or wife finding out are zero.

I dont know which city he is in right now actually but I imagine it is probably very similar to yours.

Also I should stress that I have never observed him "in action", so to speak, and whilst he has told me some stories about some of his encounters I am sure there are situations which he hasnt told me about so I honestly couldnt say if he keeps it 100% out of his social circle. He acts like he is very very careful and there is no chance he will ever get caught, but of course I take that with a pinch of salt.

I think when he was younger he had a long period of repressed homosexuality which again would help explain why he now has such an insatiable appetite for a variety of sex partners but also requires the mental security of a heterosexual relationship. This repressed homosexuality may not have entirely gone away, in fact, to be honest if one day he told me he had "come out" I would not be particularly surprised.

 

[Alex]

I suppose I'm projecting a lot from situations that I have seen personally and not the information given. Obviously I'd be furious if my long time girlfriend was shamelessly cheating on me.

Again, you're basing this on the assumption that you'd know. I also imagine that you can't help but think that your friends would know, and you wouldn't. Which I'm not sure would be the case. Surely if this girl is unaware, Mr A is smart enough to keep things out of her social circle.

In which case, you couldn't be furious, as you'd never know.

 

[ShiftyPowers]

I think when he was younger he had a long period of repressed homosexuality which again would help explain why he now has such an insatiable appetite for a variety of sex partners but also requires the mental security of a heterosexual relationship. This repressed homosexuality may not have entirely gone away, in fact, to be honest if one day he told me he had "come out" I would not be particularly surprised.

You know some messed up people. I guess this does explain a lot of your friend's actions though.

 

[Sir Calumn]

To be fair I dont know many people as messed up as A

 

[Alex]

Haha, I'd hope not. This guy sounds like a one of a kind.

 

[Theodorakis]

very good comments..


sepak puts it together better than I could.. Zlatan had made a very good point as well.. I have witnessed cheating husbands, but their gf's somehow don't see, or refuse to accept the fact, pretend like it doesn't happen and let her bf/husband go with it.. and some women weirdly get more attached to her partner in some cases..

in my experience; while I was, flirting shall we say, with my ex gf while I was with my current wife, I came up to a point to tell my girlfriend the truth and stop seeing my ex.. while I was thinking about whether I should tell or not, I discovered that she was also seeing her ex bf in france via webcam, and talking dirty.. If I did not found that out accidentally, I'd have told her.. after that nothing stopped me doing whatever I want, even sometimes I had been so bold that she came close to find it out, but I didn't tell her anything while taking full advantage of the situation until we decide to get married, I've been keeping it clean since..

so I believe there's no valid moral code for the masses, and his assumptions about his gf could be so wrong.. also, you won't have the chance for that nastiness for too long, and eventually you're gonna realize you have limited time in this world.. so tell him to enjoy..

besides, not only him is responsible for what he does.. obviously she does not fulfill him spiritually and/or sexually..

 

[Sir Calumn]

I think you should have called that bitch out on her dirty webcamming.

Also, please provide me with her skype username. Thankyou.

 

[Theodorakis]

I think you should have called that bitch out on her dirty webcamming.

Also, please provide me with her skype username. Thankyou.

she doesnt like tranny sex.. better luck next time

 

[Sir Calumn]

Ask her if she wants to see Sir_Didier_Drogba's ionic column

 

[leungtl]

A flip point to consider, is why don't humans consider monogamy selfish? You're basically saying that one person is yours, and yours only. And that's not selfish?

Obviously in the real world that view doesn't necessarily work, as the two little, A and his GF, are in an assumed monogamous relationship. So it does seem wrong that A agreed to such a relationship if he isn't happy with those terms and conditions. However, as I've mentioned, in my eyes (and I've read this plenty of times before) monogamy is a side effect of thousands of years of human jealousy. In an open relationship, that jealousy would still exist, regardless of how it is hidden. In a relationship where the cheating is behind closed doors, then the jealousy question is eliminated.

Funnily enough, I actually had a similar conversation with my best friend who was living in polyamorous relationships.

The problem was that one of her partners was aware of this (and in a clearly defined open relationship while her partner was overseas), while the other was not.

In the end, the other found out and was deeply hurt (and ended things) while the partner for the one in an open relationship returned from interstate and so she finished off things, leaving my friend with no one.

I think regardless of the rationale, monogamy in a relationship should always be assumed and to deviate from that should require mutual consent.

I don't want to sound too faffy, but I believe that trust is an essential building block in any healthy relationship and to build one based on lies is like building a house with sand instead of bricks. This is why I personally could not justify Mr A's choices until there has been full disclosure to his girlfriend if I was in his shoes.

Having said that, I'm not.

I'm also aware that everybody has different sexualities and moralities so this is why I don't think anybody should judge Mr A too critically for his actions.

 

[newbie original]

So, I want to get the forums views on a moral question.

A friend of mine, lets call him A, is a very nice young man with a good job and a nice girlfriend whom has has been with a long time and is rather fond of and does not know if he loves. However, he also has quite a high sex drive and likes to have sex with various other women, he is also fond of booze and cocaine which drive this tendency further. He is very into PUA stuff and I think needs the self validation of proving to himself that he can still pull beautiful women. He has therefore cheated on his girlfriend on numerous occasions including occasionally with prostitutes.

However, it is purely sex and he has never formed an emotional attachment with any of these women. He keeps it entirely secret from his girlfriend and treats her extremely well, and she seems to be very happy. Were he not to sleep with other women he would almost certainly get bored in the relationship and may leave her, which would upset her greatly.

Is he therefore doing no harm and actually being kinder to his girlfriend by not hurting her, or are his actions morally unjustifiable and should he not be doing what he does? Please vote and give your opinion, let me know if you need more details and if I do not know them I will ask A.

a. He is kidding himself into believing he is in a relationship because he isn't (I don't know how you could possibly have missed that.)

b. He should be reported to the authorities for that drug thing (again, you shouldn't have missed this.)

c. I thought you were Scottish.

 

[Alex]

b. He should be reported to the authorities for that drug thing (again, you shouldn't have missed this.)

hahaha that's hilarious. If everyone that I knew who ever took recreational drugs was reported to the police, I'd not have many friends left

 

[leungtl]

a. He is kidding himself into believing he is ...

Should probably start taking your own advice with that custom title of yours matey.

 

[yoyo913]

When is the poll going to end? I think the consensus is it's wrong.

 

[Trailblazer]

Hello again friends it is me Miles, the poet from Nigeria, you remember me maybe from my poems.

I read here often but today I must post because I fear for the morals of my friends. As christian feminist I say Mr A is a WICKED WICKED man and I think lost to hell but I fear you become influenced by him you follow his path, so i must WARN you, you live life of drug and whore and you treat woman like object by cheating on them or putting them in trouserpants and you are miserable and wicked man and God sees this!

I remind of my poem i publish here before and still wait for publisher magazine in nigeria to print, this poem explain everything

The Good Man and the Bad Man


the good man aims for little
hes happy what hes got
he dont need sex drugs or guns
sins he has forgot

for he has his happiness pure
content in his calm life
watching his naked children play
his arm around his wife

the bad man runs around at night
he always is alone
lying with whores and their type
drug dealer numbers in his phone

he thinks these things will make him happy
drugs sex guns and fatty food
but these just get in the way of life
mask his true bad mood

which i ask you is more happy?
the good man in his big warm house
his kids his big warm wife
the bad man in his cold apartment
his whores, drugs and empty life?

 

[Theodorakis]

Ask her if she wants to see Sir_Didier_Drogba's ionic column

more like "ironic"

 

[Theodorakis]

I'd rather be with prostitutes than enjoy watching my naked kids playing..