Hey, it's great to be back in the SG community posting again. My original SG contract of 1000 posts ran out about a couple of weeks ago and the SG representatives and I have been having great troubles renewing it since then. It got so bad at one point that all communications between them and I became nonexistent......hell, I even contemplated about moving to Europe to continue my profession as a forum poster there......I tell yah, some of the contracts being offered over in Europe were mighty delicious.....woof, but I stuck to my guns in hopes that things would be worked out with SG. I mean, I post in a lot of other places (sports and non sports related) but I really love this place. It hasn't all been a bed of roses here with all the undeserved banishments and abuses of all kinds (verbal, psychological, physical and even audacious forced attempts at my precious man-hole while I was bent over, distracted and not on guard), but on the whole, the good has definitely outweighed the bad.
Anyway, so I was just maxin' and relaxin' up in my pad yesterday watching some show I can't recall on the tele pruning my pubic region for an upcoming independent film project when all of a sudden the phone rings.....*one ringy ingy ingy....two ringy igny igny.....three ringy ingy igny* ....I look at the caller display box and it said "unknown"........I never, ever take unknown calls....I'm a paranoid mother****er....I just simply refuse to touch them......even if it's a close relative of mine who's about to be hacked to pieces and devoured by Albert Fish himself. Anyway, I let the call ring itself out of rings and went back to tending to my nether region. But, you know what? The ******* phone rang again....I was mighty pissed this time, Carlos. I was like "I swear to God I'm gonna go nuts(all the while clutching my Nutmegs) if the I.D of the caller isn't displayed this time and unplug that sonofabitch! But luckily, this time, an I.D had appeared. I knew this number. It belonged to the chief lawyer/agent representing the SG corp. My mind and heart were both fluttering....woof. My fingers and toes were tingling with anticipation, man.
So dig this, brothers. I was offered a newly restructured multi-year contract that is laden with incentives/bonuses and it also recognizes the clauses that I was seeking earlier. I can't even begin to describe how relieved I was to be putting my signature on that paper, man. At one point in the negotiations, when SG was taking a hardline stance and stories of me demanding too much were being leaked out to the public press, I seriously felt that there would be no chance of me ever coming back here. A quip from one of my buddies "You ain't got a Christian's chance in heaven of ever renewing your contract, Yoss" kept repeating in my head over and over again, man.
I can't really go into the specifics of my contract, but I can elaborate on some parts of it that's already been leaked to the media.
-if I sscore another 500 posts on this forum within a certain time frame, I get a bonus
-if I refrain from getting myself banned (a pretty tall order for sure) within a certain time frame (longer than a year), I get a bonus
-if I continue to refrain from getting into heated arguments with the folks that dwell in the SerieA/Juve thread, I get a large bonus+ an SG T-shirt
Now on to the unachievable and unrealistic incentive clauses
-attaining ADMIN/MOD status = a hefty bonus+ a vehicle of my choice (so as long as it is equal to or below an undisclosed amount)
-reaching the 5000 post plateau = an even heftier bonus+ access to the SG company Gulfstream jet
-going one whole year without posting random, perverted posts (this is the most unrealistic one of 'em all, Carlos) = 50% cut of the SG merchandising sales+ life time tickets to Arsenal or Inter Milan home and away games and all lodging expenses too
My thread rider requirements are as follows......
-Evian water straight from the French Alps.....none of that bottled ****
-no distinct smells near the vicinity of the poster.....some of these club threads I happen to enter, man. They're ******* putrid!!
-two dick-stirringly delicious Filipino hostesses who accompany me into each and every thread. They've gotta be especialy adept at scoring me some high grade dope because we all know that where there's dope, theres also a lot of hope and the Pope. And of course, they've gotta tend to the outlandish needs of my bearded blood bomber.
-home made soap....errr.....was that soup or soap? Hmm....how about both.
- a dozen cans of Redbull
-a Spalding's NBA game ball signed by heroic Zlatan himself to bounce around when activity in here grinds to a halt and also to keep fit
-access to the Bohemian Grove like secret area of this board where the admins, mods and the elite of this forum gather everyday to make unfavourable and offensive comments about the rest of us lowly peons (still pending)
