JOKES!! Post them here!

[Joe Star]

What is the difference between girls aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

 

[Scotto]

Have you herd wot happened to the man who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink

 

[Joe Star]

Originally posted by Scotto
Have you herd wot happened to the man who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink

good 1 liner man

 

[Help?]

hope nobody posted this before:



Special High Intensity Training
MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees
From: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-****)




P.S. picture too big to attach

 

[Scotto]

This is great

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but
it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other and they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to
Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS@xPlus and Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to
run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been
tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Please help?

 

[b-ytter]

Originally posted by Scotto
This is great

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but
it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other and they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to
Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS@xPlus and Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to
run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been
tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Please help?

That joke is just class!

 

[shokz]

found this on some fanzine

David Beckham has called Carlos*o recently and told him 'Michael we know you are innocent so after your trial do you fancy spending some time on our yacht?'

'Absolutely' replies Carlos*o 'I'd be delighted to come on your little cruz'

Michael Carlos*son feels he has enough plastic on him now so that when he dies he can be cremated and then made into little toy soldiers so that small boys can play with him.

 

[jatin]

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.

She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.

"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche.

 

[Stotty]

Originally posted by Scotto
This is great

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but
it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other and they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to
Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS@xPlus and Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to
run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been
tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Please help?

i've got a slight variation of that Only a few differences

SOFTWARE PROBLEM

Please forward this to see if any of your girl friends can help me.

Eighteen months ago 1 upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I’d used for many years without trouble.

However, there were apparently conflicts between the two products and the only solution was to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the

sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications,

such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2. 0 and Playboy 6.1

Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A share ware beta-programme, Party girl 1 2.1 had many bugs and

left a virus in the system forcing me to shut down for several weeks. Eventually 1 tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time only to discover these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware.

Sensing a way out, 1 upgraded to Fiancée 1 .0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0.and I

did this largely because whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and

CleanHouse 2000. However I discovered that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. For example any mistakes

I made automatically stored in Wife 1.0s memory and could not be deleted but would then resurface three months later.

Wife 1.0 also has automatic Diary Explorer and E-Porn filter and can with out warning launch Photostrop and Whingezip.

These latter products have no help files and require you try and guess the problem yourself. Additional costly problems

are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser

Pro for new attachment and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week.

It also conflicted with some of the new programs I wanted to try, stating that they caused an illegal operation. When

Wife1.0 attaches it self to my Ford programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has annoying phone

dial up called Mother-in-Law, which can’t be turned off.

Recently I have been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems …if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all Money files before uninstalling itself.

Should I revert to Drinking Mates 4.2?

 

[Klobb]

Q - What did Donald duck say to the prostitute?
A - Put it on my bill.


Q: How many SGF members does it take to confront, challenge and overcome any adversity?
A: Quite a few actually, some to address the situation at hand, others to hold hard come what may,
whilst yet others again are willing to keep the tea and Lamingtons (or Scones for those of that persuasion) in rotation.

 

[jatin]

How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

 

[shez]

WBA joke

'A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

'The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

'Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him...

In a final ruling , custody was granted to West Bromwich Albion as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.'

 

[Funky--K]

Rock Band Jokes

What do you call someone that that hangs out with musicians?
- A drummer

Why do bands have bass players?
- To translate drummers

What happens if a bass player leaves his keys inside the car?
- It takes 2 hours to get the drummer out of the car

How do you make a guitarist play quiter?
- Ask him to play from the tabs

Why was the piano invented?
- For rockers to have somewhere to place the beer

What do you get if you play New Age music backwards?
- New Age music

Rock Bands & Lightballs:

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightball?
- 12. One to screw it in, 11 to claim they'd do it better and faster.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightball?
- "Duuude... is it dark?"

How many solo guitarists does it take to screw in a lightball?
- None. They borrow the light from someone else...

How many guitarists will it take to screw in a lightball in the XXII century?
- 4. One to screw it in, and 3 to complain how old lightballs we're much better...

How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a lightball?
- 2. One screws it in, the other one smashes the old lightball across the head.

How many raggea musicians does it take to screw in a lightball?
- 9. One to hold the lightball, 8 to smoke weed and make the room spin...

How many jazz musicians does it take to screw in a lightball?
- They can't afford one...

How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightball?
- None... if it's in the right place at the right time, no one notices... and the piano player can do it with his left hand... and the guitarist would have to show him how... and he'd be kicking the head of the solo guitarist that is stealing his light...

 

[Funky--K]

Guitars X Women

Why are guitars better than women?

1) You can have as many guitars as you want without being commited to any
2) Guitars don't talk and you can play them anytime
3) You can let your friends touch it without feeling jelous
4) Guitars don't worry about makeup
5) Nothing changes 28 days later
6) Guitars don't get pregnant if you don't wear protection playing them
7) Guitars don't complain when you rub your hand on them
8) A guitar would never ask "Do I Look Fat?"
9) You'll never hurt a guitar's feelings
10) Guitars attract women, women don't attract guitars

Why are women better than guitars?

1) Guitars are not able to go the the fridge to get you a beer
2) Guitars can't cook
3) Guitars won't rub your back
4) Guitars won't take care of your kids
5) ... and clean the house
6) ... and wash your clothes
7) Guitars won't give you oral sex
8) You don't need to change a woman's strings
9) Women don't get out of tune in a crucial moment
10) To hear a woman you don't need an amplifier

 

[X-Ter]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

 

[henry#14]

Man, that's been posted so many times it's not even funny

 

[gian]

Joke Joke Joke!

Since i am translating this from Greek i hope it won't become ****ty.

A couple from alaska decided to visit Florida
>to get rid of the snow and the cold for a bit.
>
>They decided to stay at the same hotel as when they had met.
>
>Because both had some job to do,they ve arranged that the man will arrive at wednesday and the woman at Thursday
>
>Well the man goes at the hotel,he goes at the room
>and see that they now have putted a laptop with connection to the internet
>
>He decided to send an email to his wife but by mistake
>he forgot a letter of the email adress and he sent it without understanding what he did.
>
>AT New york a woman has just lost her husband and she returned from the (ooopps forgot the damn word anyway from the chruch)
>and she checks her emails to see if she got anything from friends.
>
>When she reads the email she passes out and her son gets in the
>room,,he finds his mom down and he looks at the monitor of the laptop

>
>The email wrote:
>
>To: My lovely wife.
>
>Topic : I arrived
>
>I know that you are surprised to get a mail from me.They at last have a laptop here and you can email whoever you wish!.
>
>I just arrived and i got in the room.Everything is ready for you to come 2mmorow.
>I can't wait to see you. I hope you have a nice travel like i did.
>
P.S it's too hot down here!

 

[Joe Star]

so old but funny

 

[gian]

really it's old? well yes it is i have it about 1 year i think in my private message box though as i told u before i have it in Greek and didn't ever think of posting it here.
I found it accidently when i saw that in my messagebox there are 150 + messages i thought some kind of mistake and i was looking some messages.

 

[Rochester Rhino]

verry funny, and you accidently made a seperate thread