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JOKES!! Post them here!
- Thread starter b-ytter
- Start date
This is a long read but worth it:
A man is over at a woman's house fixing her plumbing. He notices that she doesn't have a job but also owns extremely expensive items. He asks her how she affords all these things. She tell him that she wins them from bets. He asks "What do you mean?" She tells him that she makes random bets and bets him for 75,000 quid that his balls are square shaped. She tells him to meet her tommorrow behind the alley near her house to see if he has square balls.
The man goes home all happy knowing that he has round balls and will prove it so that he can win the money tommorow. He goes to meet her the next day at the alley and finds her and a man watching, she tells the plumber to not pay attention to the man watching. She then asks him to pull his pants down and sees that he has round balls. The plumber is really happy because he's won the bet and the money but notices the man who was watching is now crying on the floor. He asks
the man, "What's wrong?" The man replies "I bet her 200,000 quid that she couldn't get a man she's met within the last day to take his pants off in an alley."
A man is over at a woman's house fixing her plumbing. He notices that she doesn't have a job but also owns extremely expensive items. He asks her how she affords all these things. She tell him that she wins them from bets. He asks "What do you mean?" She tells him that she makes random bets and bets him for 75,000 quid that his balls are square shaped. She tells him to meet her tommorrow behind the alley near her house to see if he has square balls.
The man goes home all happy knowing that he has round balls and will prove it so that he can win the money tommorow. He goes to meet her the next day at the alley and finds her and a man watching, she tells the plumber to not pay attention to the man watching. She then asks him to pull his pants down and sees that he has round balls. The plumber is really happy because he's won the bet and the money but notices the man who was watching is now crying on the floor. He asks
the man, "What's wrong?" The man replies "I bet her 200,000 quid that she couldn't get a man she's met within the last day to take his pants off in an alley."
S
Sir Calumn
Guest
AWFUL variation of Tarantino's joke from Desperado.
Jaboldinho
Fan Favourite
I haven't read these all so I don't know if these are here already, but here I go.
George W. Bush went to see his therapist. After some questions Bush asked him: "What do you think?"
Therapist answered: "Well, there's 2 parts in your brain, you know. On the left part is nothing right and on the right part is nothing left."
George W. Bush was visiting a school class. They had been learning about the meaning of dramatic. So, Bush asked if some1 could give him and example of something dramatic.
Mary said: "If some1 would hit some1 with a car, it would be dramatic."
Bush said: "No, that wouldn't be dramatic, that would be an accident."
John said: "If the school bus, full of school kids would crash so bad that every1 in it would die, it would be dramatic.
Bush said: "No, that wouldn't be dramatic, that would be a big loss."
Then a boy at the back of the class raised his hand.
He said: "Well, if you were in a plane and Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden would shoot it down, it would be dramatic."
Bush said: "Excellent, why do you think it would be dramatic?"
Boy answered: "Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it definately wouldn't be a big loss."
Sorry if it's hard to read, the second I have only heard and read in Finnish, so I needed to translate it.
George W. Bush went to see his therapist. After some questions Bush asked him: "What do you think?"
Therapist answered: "Well, there's 2 parts in your brain, you know. On the left part is nothing right and on the right part is nothing left."
George W. Bush was visiting a school class. They had been learning about the meaning of dramatic. So, Bush asked if some1 could give him and example of something dramatic.
Mary said: "If some1 would hit some1 with a car, it would be dramatic."
Bush said: "No, that wouldn't be dramatic, that would be an accident."
John said: "If the school bus, full of school kids would crash so bad that every1 in it would die, it would be dramatic.
Bush said: "No, that wouldn't be dramatic, that would be a big loss."
Then a boy at the back of the class raised his hand.
He said: "Well, if you were in a plane and Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden would shoot it down, it would be dramatic."
Bush said: "Excellent, why do you think it would be dramatic?"
Boy answered: "Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it definately wouldn't be a big loss."
Sorry if it's hard to read, the second I have only heard and read in Finnish, so I needed to translate it.
JuventusForever
Reserve Team
When you dribble through someone's legs it's called a nutmeg.
But in women's football, is that a c*ntmeg....?
But in women's football, is that a c*ntmeg....?
goal_machine84
Senior Squad
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
__________________
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
__________________
andy_of_arsenal
Youth Team
anyone herad of the one about Shut Up Manners And Poo?
Thelonious
Senior Squad
Whats brown and smells?
The line at KFC
The line at KFC
andy_of_arsenal
Youth Team
KFC stands for:
Krap Food Center!
Krap Food Center!
goal_machine84
Senior Squad
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal."
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal."